Does it matter if you're black or white?


I don’t want to offend anyone with today’s blog, so just know that ahead of time. This is about interracial dating. Ultimately I don’t care what YOU do. I love Love and if you’re deep in it then I am happy as a pickle for you. I’ve actually dated a white guy once so for me personally, I can knock it since I’ve tried it. First let me start with what has prompted this subject that I’ve tried to avoid for the longest.  A friend of mine posted this on Facebook and the only reason I looked was because they introduced it by asking “Are black women driving black men away? Or is there a deeper problem?” Also the article excerpt pointed to there being friction between the two groups. Now the gentleman that posted this article is someone I respect and so I wasn’t immediately offended by his introduction, but that question in itself answers the next one. “Is there a deeper problem?” Well clearly there is. Go head, take a look, I’ll wait.

Okay, I’ll start with my personal views that way you can see that I am in fact biased and stand on a certain side of the fence. Like I said, I don’t care who YOU date, unless you are in my close circle of friends, and in that case I only care that you aren’t in an abusive situation. For me personally, I prefer to date within my “race” to the greatest extent that I can. My family comes from different cultures so you can run into several different branches of my family tree, and there are many others out there that can do the same. I just prefer to date someone that self-identifies as Black and has the more obvious credentials along with that. (LOL That’s for you folks out there that claim to be black because you greet people by saying “What it do?”) It so hard to raise a family these days as it is, I would not want to feel like I couldn’t be completely open with my children in the lessons I teach them. While I’m not looking to raise little militant baby Panthers (#lies), I will not hold back on certain truths, and I will not allow them to grow up ignorant as I had. I believe this will be easiest for ME if I found a Black man that held those same beliefs. (I have, because it’s not as hard to find as the above article paints it to be.) Plus, I LOVE black men and I think they are beautiful in all of their variety and deserving of beautiful black queens.

On to my first issue. There has been a strain on the black family structure since we got to this country. Our families were BRED and then separated to fulfill the needs of an industry we were forced into. This sowed the seeds of fear and independence into the Black Matriarch. A black mother saw her husband and father of her children ripped away from her and she HAD to step up and be the provider and nurturer for her family. After slavery when the black family was on an incline, drugs and disproportionate incarceration of our men led to another disruption to our family structure and once again the black woman had to pick up the pieces. This led to bitter resentment and it began a horrid cycle with no clear beginning and no clear way to break it. Our men were not there, our women became angry. Our women raised children that they taught to resent men because of the ills of their fathers or their sons became lost in the struggle due to their father’s absence. Then it would repeat. The son grows up not knowing how to treat a woman, the daughter grows up not knowing how to be a woman or how to interact with a man. To ask “are black women driving black men away” is frustrating. It places the blame on women solely and I truly feel we all share equal parts of the blame if we feel it necessary to point the finger. I could easily come back and say, “no we aren’t driving you away, you could never be there, and would rather choose to take the easy way out” but I won’t because I don’t believe that’s the smart way to go nor is it simply the truth.

I looked through those pictures and while I believe it was a bit dramatic, incorrect to some degree, and over-reaching I couldn’t deny that it’s a big deal. I don’t believe Ann Coulter is dating a black man named J.J. (but what do I know?) and while some of those men are dating non-black women, it’s not as if they’ve never dated a black woman before. It’s 2009 and so everyone feels like ‘we’re all just one big melting pot” and that’s cool if that’s how you get down, but that doesn’t sit so easily with me. We’re a group of people that’s culture was robbed from us, and I feel like since de-segregation became an ideal goal for us, we became more and more willing to drop any culture we had or were re-creating. I don’t like the idea that to be “great” we can assimilate into one giant multi-cultural pot. You cannot deny that decades ago dating a white woman was seen as a status symbol. You’ve arrived. Sure that may still play a role today, but I’m not sure how much, and I’m not sure how consciously. Today some people say “they are just easier to deal with” and I don’t know what that means. If that’s true then that says A) You’re lazy because you don’t want to WORK for it, and B) You know nothing about me. Of course most people say that it has nothing to do with actually SEEING color, but they just love what they love, and I don’t fully believe that but to each his own.

In an effort to wrap this up, the biggest thing that bothered me about the pictures is that it paints this picture that black women are just not desirable. At the end the author points out that black women are no longer the finest thing’s out there… I mean… “look at the backsides on those Panamanian chicks!?” Black women have been hyper-sexualized since we got here. We became the Jezebel with the big hips, thin waist, round butts, full lips, and bouncing breasts. We were playthings. So now that other women are drinking what’s in our water they match up to us? That’s what that author basically said and I wonder how many men think that? I hear guys say “white girls have booty now too” as if to say that’s all they were waiting for to leave us behind. That’s a shame. Our men have been reduced to the size of their Penis, but we still see him as more than that.

I want to save “black love”. I know many people don’t believe that it exists or care about it, or think it’s necessary, but I do. Our President is bi-racial, and that’s great! But he identifies as black and has a black family. I see that as black love, and I love it. Having dated outside of my race, I can say that there was just a different feeling. A lack of a deeper understanding. I need that. Is there a friction? Yes. I don’t believe it’s fully our faults. We’ve been conditioned to redefine our standards of beauty. So much so that when non-black women have traits more commonly associated with black women it is seen as “better”.  De-conditioning our minds would be a daunting task, and would require willingness and self-awareness. Most people don’t even care anymore and that’s fine. Just stop taking away my beauty to make you feel better about your decision to date a woman that looks nothing like your mother. If you want to date interracially, I support you and your happiness, but make it about you and no one else. The cycle should stop however, black women, stop putting down our men. It’s a struggle out there, lift him up and support him. Raise our sons and daughters to adore him. Take the chip off the shoulder. Black men, you are NOT weak. Stop acting like you can’t handle a woman that was made FOR you. If you handled her enough in the bedroom, handle what comes after that. Be there for the children that you had a hand in creating and show them how awesome you are and always respect their mother. There is bitterness there, not without a reason, but we all have to grow up, deal with it, and move on.

I think tomorrow I’ll talk more about black women and dating interracially. Hmmmm. In the meantime, look at this lovely display of love.



Musiq Soulchild's So Beautiful Video

So I’ve loved this song since it came out. I listened to this album hardcore and I’m still not sick of it. Sadly I’m about a month behind on the video, but I haven’t seen it rampantly posted all over Facebook yet so I thought I’d share. I’m in a sappy mood this morning, and this song just has me feeling like spooning. This is a shortened version of it, you can see the entire video here.

This is a BEAUTIFUL song, and even more BEAUTIFUL video. It managed to make Musiq look sexy. I loved the simplicity of it and the cinematography. Please check it out.

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There was an Obama version of a video floating around during the election cycle and I don’t know what happened to it, but everytime I watched that I cried. Real talk.