Infidelity or Insecurity, which came first?

cheaters

….The Chicken(head) or the Eg(o)g.- Erykah Badu

This was a really interesting topic that Erykah Badu had posted on Twitter and I told her that I was going to write about it. So here I go.

Often times when it comes to cheating we know that people start to pointing fingers and most times it never involves them pointing the finger at themselves. To be honest, I don’t that’s a good approach anyway. I’ll share why shortly.

Back to the question. Does a person in a relationship cheat because they are dogs and just unable to show restraint? Or do they cheat because they are driven away? Looking at it on the surface for what it is, I guess one could say that it depends on the person. Many men claim that it’s just in their nature and extremely hard not to do so. There’s the whole evolutionary biology theory that to me kind of loses steam these days in that men are able to override their “instincts” to actually prevent *spreading* their goodies around to every flower in the garden. Yet men love to use this as a good excuse to explain their behavior. I know a married man that swears that 9 out of 10 men will cheat, accept it and move on. Women are not absolved of this either. Women can be just as sneaky and scandalous. Truth be told, probably more so, but due to a woman’s ability to actually be covert there are not enough accurate statistics on cheating women. So yes, some people are just selfish, do not value the commitment necessary to be in a successful relationship, and will just cheat because they want to.

On the flip side, many argue that they aren’t the cheating type but that they were just pushed away. I know a guy that says that he was so tired of being accused of doing something that he wasn’t doing that eventually he just did it. The temptations were out there and he finally succumbed because he was already being punished for the crime. Some women will tearfully exclaim that they loved their mates but he was pushing them away. For all that she did for him, he wasn’t communicating with her, he was distant and cold, he just wasn’t there for her. She didn’t want to cheat but someone who understood her just happened to be there. She doesn’t know how they ended up sleeping together. Yes, there is always that “someone” that happens to pop up at just the right time.

I’ll say that in my opinion I think it’s all BS. Plain and simple if you LOVE someone, I mean really love them, you will act like it. That means hanging up your dog collar when the time calls for it, and keeping it 100% honest at all times. If the person that you are dealing with is not supplying all your needs then it is time to bounce. If your bf/gf is constantly accusing you of cheating there is obviously a lack of trust in that relationship and the quality of life that you two have together is faulty. It’s time to go. My issue with cheating is that I believe it can be avoidable. You can avoid being alone with someone that you are uncontrollably attracted to that isn’t your partner. If you feel your relationship is on a decline you can avoid cheating by simply leaving. I promise that leaving will hurt eons less than breaking that person’s heart. I don’t men to beat the topic of cheating to death, but I realize that it’s something that we all deal with, and to be honest it’s my #1 fear of being in a relationship.

So I’ve painted the picture and given my two cents, you tell me. What do you think comes first? Someone’s insecurity or the infidelity. Which do you think happens more often, cheating to be cheating, or cheating because you’ve been forced or allowed?

The Unwritten Rules of Marrying an Athlete

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I was listening to the Frank & Wanda show on the radio the other morning because I discovered that quite often they give me plenty to think and write about. That day was no different. I suppose there was a Dateline special on the murder of Steve McNair and someone was talking about the price you pay when you marry an athlete and that there are certain unwritten rules. People called in and the debateĀ  got pretty interesting.

Well since I’m in the business of writing I say, let’s write the rules out.

Frank and Wanda were discussing the “understanding” that when you marry an athlete you already know what you are getting into. He will have groupies lined up everywhere he goes, and eventually even if he loves you he will succumb. Additionally for those groupies out there the rule is that he will have sex with you, may even buy you nice things, however he will not leave his wife and children. They said that these are the unwritten rules of marrying an athlete (or sexing one) and well, I just wrote them down. I’m working on talking to my congressman to see that legislation is in the works to make this all official.

One lady called in and I’m sorry to say that I did not catch her name, but she had an INTERESTING story. She married an athlete and not too long after the honeymoon bliss and the kids came a-rollin’ she caught him cheating. Almost “Diary of A Mad Black Woman” style where he was pretty red-handed and unapologetic about it. He sat her down and told her basically that it is what it is, she has nothing, he has all the money to pay the lawyers, and he will take the kids. Her options were to stay and deal, or move and be broke without her children. I think I would have tried (note: I said tried) to punch him in the throat based off principle for even mouthing those words. (I do not support domestic violence on either end. But I’m just sayin.) Well she stayed and dealt for a while until she finished her degree. Somehow magically, her degree gave her the motivation to begin saving money and prepare to do what she needed to do, so eventually she caught him by surprise when she moved and filed for divorce. Naturally he begged and begged for her to come back and over several years he tried to make amends. While she was clearly pretty strong in her move, the draw of him being her children’s Father and the hope that he had changed led her to return. Oops, he slipped up again. She came home one night and the girlfriend was there. He had the nerve to ask her to go to the store for her. Well, this time she was ready, she got up and moved her children to a new home that she had secretly purchased and is now pretty much just telling the story. She said he still doesn’t get what the problem is and she told him that the evil he put out came back on him. Some high-end producer here in Atlanta also ended up getting their daughter pregnant. I’m guessing she was underage because she (the woman in the story) pressed charges. How random right?

Her point was that when she married him she had no clue about these “unwritten rules” so when he first cheated she was genuinely surprised. Her friends asked her “what did you expect?” To her credit she wasn’t raised to believe or think that way, and she was not simply trying to be some athlete’s trophy. She had expected a real marriage. It’s shameful to think that these days women can’t marry a man of wealth without people thinking that that’s all she sees. She said that these are the unwritten rules as she’s come to understand them, but it’s up to the women to allow them to continue. She made the choice to break that cycle even if it did burn her a few times, but she really refused to roll over and play the victim for too long. I applaud her. I’m sure the threat of being broke was not the only thing that led her to stay initially, she truly loved him. Just like most marriages when infidelity is an issue most adults try to work it out at least.

I say all of this to say that I think it’s s shameful truth. I won’t jump on the bandwagon and say that ALL men cheat, even though most men I know agree with that statement, but I will say that athletes are more than likely going to step out at some point at LEAST on some level. It’s. Too. Easy. They don’t even have to try. I hear of lots of girls my age that are so focused on marrying an athlete that I wonder if they are painfully aware of this “Rule”. Sure you will be set up for life (or maybe not) but is it worth that to have your heart, name, and reputation stomped on? Trust and believe that even though he’s the one cheating people will be talking smack about you in the streets too. Is True Love that far gone of a possibility that people don’t even care about it anymore? It’s like Love is far down on the list of reasons to get married.

One last thing before I end it. Wanda made the point that cheating is a form of abuse. When a person cheats, the other person goes through a lot of the same emotions and someone who has been physically or emotionally abused does. The denial, the heartache, the forgiveness, and making excuses. I thought this was interesting. I don’t know the scientific facts on that, but I will say that it sounds plausible. So my question is should we treat cheaters the same way we treat other abusers? When someone is emotionally abusing someone we are quick to jump up and call for their heads, but we excuse cheating as just part of life. Is it because men claim that they just cannot help it? I can’t always buy that. Even if men innately wish to spread their sperm all around for genetic diversity, they apparently have the ability to override that desire to populate the earth by wearing protection. I think they could additionally take the time to override the desire to cheat.

So what to you guys think? Should cheaters (men and women) be taken to task as any other abuser would or is it not the same? Do you think the Now-written rules of marrying and athlete hold up? Ladies, how would you deal with it? Men, what advice could you give?

When Cheating Goes Wrong. Real Wrong.

****Sorry about last week and only posting twice. I didn’t even let y’all know I was on vacation. Well I was and it was the best. I hit up the DMV/NYC/B-more. I’m still pretty tired, lethargic, and now I’m sick. So pardon me if my ranting below is not up to par. I’ll get it back together this week. Hit me on FB to see the pics of the JG* Summer World Tour (FB Link to the right of the page)****

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Now I am not one to speak ill of the dead (a concept I wish more people would learn and understand) so I don’t want to make this specific to Steve McNair, but I would like to use his unfortunate demise as a topic of discussion. Let me start by saying I am terribly sorry for the loss that his wife and children have suffered and I hope that she finds peace.

Moving on, many people have been talking about the audacity of the situation Mr. McNair was in prior to his death. He had a beautiful wife and 4 loving sons at home, yet he decided to cheat on them with a 20 year old woman who according to the picture I’ve seen, was really no match. Not only did he step out with this young woman he also bought her an Escalade and a Condo. The worst of the worst kind of cheating. I can’t imagine what this 20 y/o was doing to make him step out like THAT. Some have guessed that it was due to some kinda of blackmail, but of course there is no basis for thinking this so who really knows. I can’t imagine that he would be that afraid of his wife that he would drive himself deeper into a trap that I’m sure he was well aware could end up ugly in the end. I am sure that these types of women at that level of crazy show some signs of it beforehand.

The Gov. of SC is another one. You are flying around the world on taxpayers money all to get some on the side, nevermind your marriage. In a time when we’re busy fighting about the “sanctity” of marriage, our politicians are quick to destroy it. Now he’s ruined his career (it sickens me that all of a sudden, Repubs are saying that we he does in his bedroom has no bearing on his job. Bill Clinton anyone?) and his family is suffering all because he just had to take it there.

So with that said, does cheating ever really work out? I can’t really bring myself to believe that it does. We talk about cheating quite a bit on the blogosphere because it’s an issue that is so relevant. I know over at The FreshXpress we have several blogs that answer “Why men cheat” “Why men cheat with women uglier than the one they have” “Why women cheat” etc. What we fail to really dig into is the consequences of such actions. After watching the movie “Obsessed” we also realized that you don’t even have to actually cheat for the consequences to be dire. While that’s a movie, Steve McNair’s situation was real life. Real life that happens all the time. Ever see the show “Snapped” on Lifetime? If you haven’t, I suggest any man thinking about cheating watch that first. It’s funny, because we have also talked about how women are more forgiving when her S.O. has cheated on her whereas men are far more quicker to hulk up and get people bodied. However “Snapped” and other real Lifetime situations would be proof to the contrary.

So knowing that women are naturally prone to emotion as it is, knowing that in a cheating situation you have to watch your back coming and going, really WHY DO YOU MEN STILL CHEAT? I say that you have to watch your back coming and going because it seems that when women are cheating, the man that she’s cheating with does not develop the same attachment. They see it for what it is. Quite the opposite in most cases concerning a man stepping out.

Is it really worth all of that? Again, I revisit the original question: When does cheating really work out? Ok, so you’re cheating and so far so good. However there always comes a point when you have to choose. Either the side chick is wanting more, or perhaps your wife is demanding more of your time. You are in a tug-of-war that will end up with you torn in half. Let’s say you leave your wife for the side chick, because she was just *that* awesome. Then you’re in a relationship with a woman that has already proven that she doesn’t value relationships and the next thing you know, the grass really wasn’t all that much greener. Let’s say you’re cheating solely for sexual reasons, your wife is awesome, and the side chick is really not sweating you all that hard. Sounds like a plan until your wife finds out due to a minor misstep on your part. That thing that you were doing just as a release has become your worst nightmare and you find yourself losing everything.

Is it really worth all of that?

I’m not talking about cheating in non-marital relationships because while that sucks it just speaks to the fact that you’re single until you jump the broom. I’m talking about cheating when the stakes are high, real high. I’ve seen this happen up close and personal, and I just don’t understand how it could be worth the consequences. Even if the marriage survives the adultery the soul of the relationship took a hard blow, and in some cases the marriage becomes the ghost of good times past.

They say what’s done in the dark always comes to the light. And it’s true. ALWAYS. It may take a while, but it will happen.

Let’s discuss!

The Evolution of Cheating

After having a pretty funny conversation with a girlfriend of mine (see… it CAN happen) she implored me to write about the evolution of cheating. So I started to think about how cheating has evolved and invite you to take this walk with me.

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I don’t want to go too far back because in certain time periods polygamy was common place. Let’s just take it back to the Frontier. You know back in the day before that guy invented the telephone I am sure that men had families over all parts of town. You see back then the women were back at the house, and only the man could do all the horse riding. So even if the wifey was cheating she still wasn’t the one being too mobile. Her sexy pool boy had to stop by while the Mr. was out on business. Either way, cheating in this time was extremely more successful (if you want to call it that) because of one major factor: Communication. Or better put, the lack of communication.

mexi32505-bwjpegDo you know how long it would take this dude to go through his chick’s Facebook account?

Back in the day the only way word traveled was by mouth. If your neighbor who’s house was 4 acres down the road happened to ride over to borrow some sugar, and caught your wife kicking it with the Butter Churner (or whatever. I may be getting my time periods all confused), he would probably forgo even telling you due to the time it would take him to ride his horse back to the house or to wherever you are. So people got away with it. The man of the house would be riding his willy wang all over town doing what he wants because really, who’s going to tell even if they did see him? It’s too much like work. The burden of proof is still there and you would more than likely just sound like a hater. Besides, I’m sure people back then were getting it in all over the place like a 70’s Swing Party for the reason alone. It was too easy.

Fast forward through time a bit and now people want to play telephone when it’s time to snitch and be nosy.

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At this point in the game, technology is starting to catch up. While the burden of proof is still an issue, techology is making it so that at least now people have something to argue about. Catching a cheater in those days still depended on a third party to play a role. Either someone’s snitching because they are second fiddle, or I have to call up one of my girls to verify that she SAW you at the Drive-In all hugged up with some TRAMP! Now TELLLLL ME WHOOOO SHE WAAAASSS [Craig]. (10 pts to whoever can tell me what that’s from) Cars are cool now and so maybe there’s a chance I can catch you at the diner sharing a Root Beer float and some fries with that cute light skinned girl with the Conk cause you KNOW her hair aint really like that.

Nowadays in order to cheat you have to be just about as CIA as the person you’re hiding from. Ahead of the game is an understatement. Like Diddy Tweets while having sex, you have to practically reset all your passwords and erase all emails in the middle of the dirty deed.

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To be honest with you I don’t know why people even THINK about cheating anymore. There’s technology out there that we don’t even know about. If you don’t get caught through your phone, it’ll be your email, a intentially well-worded wall post that your dumb ass didn’t delete, Twitter, or the stalker service Spokeo. To hide your dirty work it’s like you have to revert back to the old ways. Send smoke signals and letters by snail mail. Meet up in your car (no OnStar) and drive out to Lookout Pike, making sure there’s no satelite service out there so that Google doesn’t pick up your location. Seriously, how do people do it these days? I feel like there is no way to cheat and not get caught. (Rightly so with yo lyin’ self!)

The future of cheating I believe will be a lot like Minority Report.

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The minute someone even THINKS about cheating a whole force of people will swoop down and snatch they lyin’ behinds up. It’ll be like the show Cheaters only much more dramatic and creepy. I figure that either people will completely avoid being in relationships, or they will be the purest most sincere people you have ever seen. Which do you think?

I just think it’s funny. Infidelity has been going on since time started being recorded After Jesus, and probably before then too. People used to get chopped up over the accusation of cheating or forced to wear the ugly scarlet letter. If Maury and his DNA tests were around back in the days of huge Royal families, all sorts of hell and cabbage patch dancing would have broken loose.

In the days of our fast-paced technology my word of advice is to take it easy. Don’t do that dirt or it will catch back up to you. These days people don’t have to really dig for it. Facebook was made to tell all of the business, and Google aint much better either with their street views and location finder.

I aint sayin’, but I’m sayin’. Someone is ALWAYS watching you.

How many wrongs can make it right?

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We all know the story. Two people are in a relationship, one person starts to suspect things aren’t right. New panties/whitey tighties in the mix, all of a sudden he wears cologne, she does her hair just to go to the grocery store. Something is afoot. Here lies the fork in the road. According to the law of the land one is innocent until proven guilty. So then the major piece to the puzzle is the burden of proof. Here comes the invasion of the all too precious privacy.

These days there is either too much or too little privacy. Everyone has a cell phone, two or three email addresses, a Facebook page, a defunt MySpace page, a Twitter account (for those of us who are awesome), and a million other things that could bring about World War III and the return of Jesus. So I guess we could say we diversify our privacy. The dirt that we do on one social media outlet may not be what we do on another. I just wish more people would diversify their passwords so that all of the worlds do not collide.

Either way, here is a breakdown of how this sad story goes.

Person A: Baby/Hunny/Sweetie/Snuffles/Hoe things haven’t been right between us lately. There isn’t someone else is there?

Person B: What are you talking about? *thinks to self: remember to cover tracks* I love you. ONLY you. *Cue Baby Boy scenes. The entire movie hell*

Person A: Yea* I know that. But So and So swore that they saw you at Lenox with someone else.

Person B: You know I don’t shop at Lenox. It wasn’t me. Why are you pressing me? You have nothing to prove I’m doing anything. I told you. I love you.

Person A: You’re right. *thinks to self: start looking for proof*

Sometimes I guess it just isn’t enough to wait for all that is done in the dark to come to the light. Curiosity kills the cat every time. There is an old saying “If you go looking for it, you will find it.” So that’s what happens. Person A goes looking through the phone(s) and the email accounts. They use the same password to get into all of your social networking sites. For as much as we want our privacy, we tend to be real loose when it comes to leaving the laptop unlocked, the Facebook logged in, and the Gmail page still up. Well like the prophesy says, they’ve looked and they’ve found. Now what?

Initial logic tells Person A to go and curse Person B the hell out. Then however, like the true warrior they are, reality sets in and they realize that their attack will be futile as they will not be able to divulge the source of this newfound proof without admitting to espionage. What to do what to do. The minute they admit to this the fight becomes level and ground is lost. You invaded my privacy. You’re cheating.

In this case the two wrongs do not make a right. They cancel each other and instead we’re left with a big ass now what? I think it’s simpler than we make it out to be. Clearly one person doesn’t trust the other or else they wouldn’t have gone through their things. Now Person B doesn’t trust Person A because they realize they are dating a member of the CIA. Additionally one person doesn’t love/respect the other or else they wouldn’t be out doing the dirt.

I think when we say “When you look you find” we are coming from the angle that one is only looking because they suspect something. I would hope that people don’t make the habit of randomly Spying on their mate just because. In that case there is something deeper going on and Lord Have Mercy on that relationship because someone is crazy. I’m sure there are many people out there who are being spied on but will never know because THEY are good people. There’s no fight as long as the record is clean. Too bad the same can’t be said for their spying partner.

In my opinion, it’s not worth it. If you have strong suspicions then you need to confront the person you are dealing with and if you still don’t believe them then end it. Obviously there is a lack of trust and obviously you are not happy. I know this is much harder said than done. Trust me I know. But finding that proof doesn’t make life any better. I opens up many more cans of worms and let’s be real, that’s never fun. Also, notice I wasn’t gender specific here. Women take the brunt of this beating as we are often better than even the best spies and we are quick and efficient when it comes to sneakery. But men y’all do it too. Don’t think we don’t notice when a message we didn’t read has been read (only men would forget to go back and click “Mark as Unread”), don’t think we don’t notice when you’ve scrolled on my Blackberry (I know what screen I left it on). We also notice all those slick comments on things you couldn’t have heard anywhere else. Men if you’re going to spy, step your game up.

To be fair, in my younger days, I can count that I’ve committed two counts of espionage. I have since retired from the Agency and I only go back to mentor the new kids on the block to leave that life behind. It’s not cool, it’s a waste of time, and it will end badly. Trust me.

Your thoughts?