Two Can't Always Play That Game

*Sorry I’ve been slacking. This holiday season has got me busy as a bee! Been traveling, working, all kinds of stuff. I promise I’ll do better. Love you guys!

vivica

I’ve blogged before about how women sometimes need to check themselves on their own craziness before they wreck themselves, but I just kind of wanted to expand that a bit and talk about the repercussions of such craziness.

We all know that love can do some powerful things to you, have you acting in ways that you have never before, but that is not always a good thing. How many people have heard or experienced the story of the ex that won’t stop calling, sits outside your house, or shows up at random places? I know I have. Those are simply the crazies and there isn’t much that can be done about them. But what about those who just love to play games. I know several people both men and women who fall victim to playing games, however I will say that it’s my ladies that seem to be “master tacticians” (c) Harnould, in the sport of Mental Game Playing.

So for the most part I will be speaking to my ladies, but men I want you to pay attention as well. You guys need to learn how to spot this stuff and act accordingly. One you guys do get drawn into the game things get really messy because y’all have no clue how to handle the situation. Unlike the actual movie “Two Can Play That Game” (did anyone see the sequel? What were they thinking?) things don’t always come together in beautiful harmony.

The Games:

Game 1: Making him jealous.

Ladies this one often does not work like you think it will. Strategically showing up somewhere that you know he will be with another man will not make him come crawling back to you now that he realizes your awesomeness (i.e. Single Ladies). Most men don’t do jealousy in a favorable way. On the low end, he may just brush you off for life for trying his patience like that, or on the high end he may stomp homeboy out. Neither are the desired results. Sleeping or even pretending to sleep with anyone he knows, is affiliated with, or happened to see once in the grocery store is a major no (unless you just really wanted to and don’t care). Not only will you run the risk of ending up on the wrong side of “Snapped” but you will surely damage and friendship that could have developed after the flames died.

Game 2: Pretending to be his friend when really, you just want to be nosy.

Now this is where my expertise used to lay. When my ex and I broke up I vowed that we were still friends. I went back to friend duty and everything. But deep down, I was just being nosy. I wanted to know who he was dating, talking to, sexing down, whatever. So I would hit him up and be like “So how’s life, work, pies? Dating anyone new? Ohhhh reallllllly?” The whole time I would be making mental notes. I gave up on this though because it just never worked out how I had it put together in my mind. I had no real strategy and even if I did it was going to be all wrong.

Game 3: Lying about your feelings.

If you feel some sort of way about something, just say it. For those of us ladies out there that ALWAYS feel some sort of way about EVERYTHING I suggest that you learn to pick your battles. Just like we cannot read minds, that goes both ways, only men are not persistent. We will nag the heck out of a dude to figure out what’s wrong with him (often times, he just wants some “him” time…so leave him be) meanwhile a man will ask once, and keep it moving. This is your opportunity to SPEAK UP. I believe in having a statue of limitations on arguments. We better settle it now, or it gets scratched forever. Throw sex in the mix and the argument is dead. So ladies, when he asks “What’s wrong?” this is your time to talk. If you decide to work it out on your own, let that be known and stick to it. Go figure out if you’re being rational or irrational and make adjustments. If you just aren’t ready to talk when he asks, say that, and be reasonable about when you will decide to open your mouth. Don’t be mad when he leaves you alone after the first “I’m fine.” Don’t turn your saltiness into a moment to make him salty and now y’all are fighting. This game DOES NOT WORK. I’m not even sure why we play it. I don’t see any way for this to end up good.

Game 4: Befriending his friends.

I totally support the intersection of friend circles once you’ve reached a secure level of seriousness. But always keep his male friends at a safe distance and only befriend his female friends if you have no ulterior motives. Do NOT, and I repeat DO NOT use his friends as a weapon against him. Now you’re playing with fire. Trying to get underground information on him from them could surely end in disaster and I love y’all too much to see you on the evening news. Infiltrating the den of the male wolf pack only to end up breaking it apart could have lifelong consequences. Just don’t do it. If you feel he has some female friends that could be potential enemies, I suggest you talk to HIM about that. Of course tread lightly and make sure you’re not just trippin first. Trust can go a long way, but more than likely if you are playing games, there is no trust.

Game 5: Being an open book.

I know sometimes women play  the “I’ll tell you everything if you tell me everything” game. Don’t fall for it ice cold. More than likely, you start exposing yourself feeling good about things, and two things are going on. 1) She can’t handle the truth. (Cue Baby Boy: “You wanna know the truth? You can’t handle the truth. I lie to you because I love you. I don’t love them girls.”) So if she can’t handle it, you’re done for. You just opened up only to walk into a bear trap. 2) She’s not fully disclosing to you. She may give some mild information, but anything juicy is NOT coming out her mouth. Perhaps she’s aware of how Game 1 can turn out and she knows you’re crazy. But trust and believe if she lets you see her phone or poke through her facebook/myspace  (?)/Twitter account she’s already wiped it clean. Women are smart. There is no need to save, hit delete right after.

I could think of a few more, but it’s possible that this has gotten too long. Y’all know how I am. So any other games we ladies need to stop playing? What about the games men really do play? Speak on it!

An Epic Tale of Dating Proportions

boyismine

So last week many of you saw this tweet from me:

Picture 4

Crazy right? What’s crazy is that this is the third time she and I have intersected dates. She would go out with a guy, probably mention him to me without saying a name, then I would go out with a guy, mention it to her say his name, then we’d be like “oh no!” lol Or it would happen vice versa. It’s actually to the point now where we’ll meet a guy, agree to a date, then call and ask “have you ever met so and so?” Well this time I guess it didn’t occur to us to cross check. So here’s how today’s tale goes.

I invited @_HollyGoLightly out to my job one night for free drinks and a bit of fun and she came on out with a group of friends. One of her friends was a handsome chocolatey man who showed a bit of interest in me and so I politely gave him my business card. While I wasn’t completely interested (because I’m a crazy single woman who rejects my vagina lol) I didn’t want to be part of “the problem” with dating women these days. I agreed to go out to dinner with him one night after a few days of playing text tag. We went out, had a pretty decent time, and I felt like perhaps I didn’t always have to be a hermit chick and avoid men for fear of them having “the forevers” or liking men. (I live in ATL remember).

Fast forward a couple of days later, my LS and I were chit-chatting and complaining that we hadn’t seen each other in a week and we needed to catch up. She and I are territorial like that (shout outs to my entire line because we believer we’re all we’ll ever need lol). I said, “I went on a date with this guy that [insert random interesting fact about him…just in case any of my readers also happened to go out on a date with him last week]” and she instantly starts laughing. Uh oh. She goes “is his name [insert name]? Because I went out on a date last week with the exact same guy.” *wall slide*

We crack up and tell how each of our dates went and once again, how random is it that we went out with the same guy, in the SAME week. She randomly met him at a restaurant. After I tweeted about it several people said “he knew what he was doing” or “he’s playing y’all” and I truly didn’t believe it. I mean I didn’t *think* I mentioned my sorority in conjunction with my alma mater, and I didn’t think my LS would either… So we devised a lil plan to end up going out with him at the same time. We’d offer a double date scenario and bust him wide open. We truly figured he couldn’t have known that we knew each other.

Wrong. LOL

My LS went out with him last night (we tried to schedule at the same time but #failed) and when I got a text in the middle of the date that said “So…..FYI” I knew something was up. Finally I got a call and this is when things got hilarious. My LS just couldn’t hold the marbles anymore so she tells him, “You went out with a girlfriend of mine last week you know.” Instantly he cracked up. He knew. Smart guy, he put together that he happened to go out with two Deltas from the same school. So *pats on the back* for those that called it. Here’s the rub, he called his friends because he didn’t know what to do. He found us both to be intelligent, pretty, and engaging, which he believed to be rare. In his mind, he was hoping that we didn’t really talk to each other (rude! lol) and he was just going to play his cards. Upon his consultation with his friends, they agreed he should just play it cool.

My LS told him that we were planning on setting him up, but since he wasn’t a #lame, she decided to let him in on what was going on without playing him. Well played, well played. She said he was positively speechless and put it out there that he still didn’t know how to handle the situation. I told her I’m out of contention so that should make the choice easy for him. She and I are adults so there’s no need to play games. I text him last night to say “oh wow… looks like the cat is out of the bag”. His response “I’m still speechless, how did that happen?”

I’ll tell you how, ATL is too small, and it’s time for me to move!

What’s funny is other times when we’ve let the losergentleman know that he’s taking from the same candydish we have been met with hostility. The “what did she say about me?” and the “I mean I aint really try to holla.” Men… don’t do that. We Talk.

The Good Ole Days of Dating

Whatever happened to those good ole days?

internet-dating

Sidenote a friend of mine asked yesterday via my Google Group: “What ever happened to the days when kids didn’t actually have sex, we just lied about it?”
That’s a good question too.

Now let me first of all state that I’m all in support of a woman getting equal pay, being able to do what a man can do, etc (I am a woman after all). But I believe that when it comes to relationships and dating I hold a more traditional view of how things should go. Now you uber-progressive women don’t get all riled up and upset. Just as you date how you want to date, so shall I. I’m not knocking your process. However, I do wonder if the over I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T woman is why I’m having trouble dating today. (Please note I am talking about a broad, general group of a certain mentality.)

Let me explain. You see today there’s a lot of talk of independence in women. I got my own car, a job, my own place to live, I pay my own bills. This is AWESOME. And I truly believe that any person should have a level of independence before seeking a true commitment. That is for your own maturity and peace of mind. Running around here looking for someone to carry you is silly, only God should replace your footsteps (in my opinion).

What I don’t understand are those women who completely throw it down the throats of everyone around them that they CAN DO IT ALL, don’t need you, ya mama, or nothing about you. Well yes, everyone applauds your independence but all he asked was if the seat next to you was taken. What kills me is how these same women sometimes complain about being single as though they can’t see what may be the cause. Let’s face it, while the world is slowly moving away from society-created gender roles, many still feel that men are supposed to take the lead in courtship (how’s that for an outdated word!) often times including these over-independent women. On one hand, you’re screaming about what you don’t need, on the other hand, you’re screaming about what you don’t have. Let’s think about this. How can you expect a man to pursue you when you consistently state that you don’t need him. Do you expect him to be okay with being an object that’s just “wanted” every now and then for whatever you desire. As women, don’t we have a problem with being seen as objects?

So here’s what happens, some of these women scream from the mountaintops about what they don’t need, call every man that approaches them thirsty, and laugh when men approach them while with their “girls”. These women expect men to know how, when, and why they do not wish to be bothered. They also tend to be the ones that complain endlessly about the lack of good, equally accomplished brothas out there that stack up to what they deserve because they will not settle. We know that we’ve all heard these conversations. What seems to be going over the heads of these women is the overall condescending tone and attitude that lies above the surface. You may have your stuff together, but that honestly shouldn’t be the only reason a good man should want to date you. You are basically reducing yourself down to your “accomplishments” never mind your character.

So here’s how I think this affects me. I’m a bit more traditional. Sure I have my own car, a job, I have a roommate but *kayne shrug* I like to save, travel, and do other fun stuff. I’m educated, on my way to another degree, and I’m very active in my community. I have a strong 5 year plan, and I’m happy with life. However, what I don’t do is recite all of that the minute I meet someone. Sure the “what do you do” sometimes comes up in conversation, but I rarely ask someone that immediately out of nowhere. I’m a bit more laid back, I try not to have a “chip” (whatever that is) on my shoulder, and I’m polite when approached.

Yet I’m still single.

After reading a few blogs and seeing the different insights, talking to a few of my most honest male friends, and just based on my own observations, it seems that the dating trends have changed.  Overall men no longer approach women and if they do it is with extreme caution. You can almost tell they are waiting for the beat down. They approach with a list of disclaimers about a mile long and by the time you actually get their name, they themselves are tired. But let’s say you are interested in this gentlemen, you give him your number. Or perhaps you were drunk, no matter. Instead of calling you and getting your voicemail each time, or hearing your excuses about being busy and independent and just on the go, he texts you. It’s becoming more and more of a trend for men to text me, tweet me, email me all before really calling me. I don’t even have ringtones for people because what’s the point? I get a facebook friend request before I even hear his voice again.

I’m all about social media, it’s what brings you guys here every day, but at the same time, if you would like to take me out on a date, I’d prefer to have proof that you are not a bot. Oh and going out on dates has been replaced with “come thru n chill.” via BBM. Come through? That’s what we did in college. I’m sure you have a lovely home, and a comfortable couch, but as we get to know each other can we please stay on neutral ground? I understand that it is 2009 and while I am used to gentlemanly ways from living in the south, if we go out on a date I will at least pull my wallet out when the check comes. Again, I’m used to even my Friends paying the tab because that’s just how their mother’s raised them, but it’s not expected it is if YOU asked me out. If you don’t make the move Gunslinger to pay for it all, no sweat, I got mine. If I ask you out, sure I’ll foot the bill no problem. I bet at least that if we’re going out on a date on my behalf I called and spoke to you. It’s not cute when someone is on their way to pick you up and they are steady texting you while they are lost. JUST CALL.

Now I’m not blaming female independence on why I can’t seem to find a normal date here in ATL. I could go on an extremely long rant on that topic LOL. I’m just putting it out there that maybe to a certain extent we created our own monster. While many men talk about wanting independent women, they mean that in the Jill Scott context.

And I’m eye-to-eye with Jill Scott on this one (except I CANNOT kill a bug in my room). Additionally I do not have to constantly remind everyone that I can do all of these things. Also, I don’t look at it as “I don’t NEED you, but occasionally I may want you around” I look at it as I do need you. I need you to provide balance. Sure I could run around and do all of these things on my own, but *I* would not be satisfied and fulfilled, because that would take me away from he nurturing things I wish to do. I love the strength of a man and the leadership he can bring to a family. I love what it says when he comes to open the door for me, when he asks me if I’m okay or if I need anything. I’m not a golddigger, no I don’t need you to buy me diamonds (please don’t…ever) or designer clothing, but if you offer to pay for me to go get a mani/pedi I will think that’s sweet. In return I’ll make sure dinner is on point as always. Now I’m no future lazy wife (note: I did not disrespect housewives), I will hold my own in business, my community, and my household. But is it so wrong that I still believe in roles, and don’t feel the need to parade my independence?

Are men changing up their tactics due to all of the songs out there that constantly tell them they aren’t worth anything, aren’t needed, and need only apply when asked? Should I put away the pots & pans, and dreams of a partnership based on slightly traditional thoughts and just expect that I will be 35 before I get what Beyonce told me I should demand? Maybe it’s just me? Maybe I need to change with the times, because all of the above turns me off and why I’ll reluctantly agree to a second date, but only if it’s by skype (iKid). I just want to back to flirty smiles across the room, boy meets girl, girl falls in love, boy scoops her up and of they go into the sunset! LOL

boymeetsgirl

Doing The Math.

This is a new concept for me so please, help me out if you can. A friend of mine was trying to explain why guys sometimes do things to a mass audience. We were discussing the mass texting phenomenon and how men often times get caught due to underestimating and a lack of understanding the CIA-like tendencies of women. Additionally men have a problem with living their lives on the edge and the strange act of flinging dirt around in the same sandbox. The scenario goes down like this:

There’s a group of females that are all good friends, defy the odds, and enjoy each other’s company. When they aren’t all attached at the hip they manage to all run into the Alpha Male over a period of time, separately. Now, this Gentleman is keen and aware and he knows that these females are not only friends, but tend to share the same space often. Why then, does this lovely chromosomely-different specimen, feel it in his heart to make the all too damning move of the “Mass Text”. Now taking away those women that know how to determine each recipient a text message goes out to, we have the man that gets caught because during a girls night out, each lady received a sweet romantic text at the exact same time. This is a sad sad day for this Mantasticle™ creature as the clowning that is about to ensue is sure to be scathing to his ego, his EGO, and will probably have him head down and tail tucked in shame for a while.

So with that situation ending so badly, why do men constantly attempt this? Do they not know that when you send that Sexty picture mail out of your manajanles and microphone, it lists all the numbers you’ve sent it to? Is it wishful thinking that your picture will be so amazing no one in their right might will be paying attention to the 10 other phone numbers listed about it?

Aha! My dear friend and informant told me that I was overthinking the whole thing. He said and I quote, “It’s simply ‘doing the math’. If I send a cute little late night text or picture out to 10 females, I run a risk that maybe 4 of them are with each other, 2 may notice that it went out to more than just them, 1 may not care, but then 3 are impressed and will hit me back.” As I sat stunned for a second, he added a bit of salt to the wound of the harsh truth saying, “Not to mention, even the 4 that were with each other will respond. Sure, they may all text me back saying ‘Don’t you know we’re all sitting next to each other!?’ but after a well worded cocky response, I can usually add 2 of the 4 to the list of girls that are down for the evening. In the end, I sent a text out to 10, 5 are down. That’s a 50% shot. I just did the math.”

Holy hamhocks, gravy, and sweet potato pie! Really?! So that’s how it works!? Add to my paranoia will you please! Now I look at every text that does not specifically state my name with a suspicious side eye. Even that is suspiscious as technology seems to be out to get us all because now you can send personalized mass text messages. My movement to stop techno-dating is officially about to launch! How can I know that he’s truly into me and I’m not just a figure in one of his odds? While I’m sitting here with my girls clowning this fool for being dumb, he’s actually pretty smart and knows that for all our clowning, two are fronting and will be awaiting the follow-up text later.

He went on to say that “Doing The Math™” can work a number of ways, not just in the iWorld and I was impressed. Men, do you subscribe to this theory of Doing The Math? How else can it work? Ladies, WTH!? How can we stand together and fight against this!?