BET!!!! Why do you hurt me so?

I hate BET. I don’t have enough space, time, or red bull to explain in total why I hate BET. But if you really want to see me rant, just leave me a comment, and I’ll get my mind right for it. I haven’t actually watched this channel in years. I’m so grateful for that.

Yesterday via Twitter a dear friend of mine (or not, since he sent me this mess and IMPLORED me to discuss) sent me the link to the BET Awards Nominees. At first I said I wasn’t going to look, but then I did, and I wept. First of all, I am desparately sad at the state of Black Music these days. It’s horrid. I realize that this is my stuck up opinion and that hey, everybody aint into what I’m into. That’s fine, but that just means that you suck. LOL. Now I am not above liking a F**kery song here and there. Here’s proof:

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Before I get down into it, let me apologize to 80% of my friends. I’m sorry. I know you like The Dream, Ryan Leslie, Keri Hilson, etc. I still love you, and hope that you will still love me after this is said and done.

*clears throat*

On to the nominees. I’ll only cover the ones I really have a comment on.

Best Male R&B Artist: The Dream, Ryan Leslie, T-Pain, Ne-yo, Jamie Foxx.

Just kill me now. You know that we’re in a recession when The Dream & T-Pain are listed as R&B Artists. This baffles me. That’s singing? I feel this insults all men out there who are truly gifted and struggling to make it in the world of Autotunes. I don’t want anyone to win because this is an epic fail. I hope that this category randomly bursts into flames and never makes it to award night.

Best Female R&B Artist: Beyonce, Jennifer Hudson, Jasmine Sullivan, Keri Hilson, Keyshia Cole.

I mean I guess this is okay. This is about as good as it’s going to get thanks to NeoSoul being a different genre. I just can’t wait to see the Bey/JHud showdown. Clearly Bey will win it though because Gay men refuse to let Single Ladies die.

Best Group: Day 26, GS Boys, N.E.R.D., The Roots, Three 6 Mafia.

Here’s where I really want to go Incredible Hulk on the entire BET nominating committee, BET in general, 106 & Park, people whose initials spell BET, and the gambling industry for calling it “placing a BET”. Are you serious!? You would put The Roots and N.E.R.D. beside the GS BOYS??!?! I don’t even know who they are! I had to google it to find out they are responsible for the STANKY LEG! I’m not so out of touch that I didn’t know what that was. I hate hate hate BET. I don’t even know what Three 6 Mafia did last year. Someone, fill me in? Screw this category. Again, I hope it bursts into flames. I love me some N.E.R.D. and The Roots. They don’t deserve this mockery.

Best Collaboration: Jamie/T-Pain “Blame It”, Keri/Weezy “Turnin Me On”, Jim Jones/Ron Browns/Juelz “Pop Champagne”, T.I./Naked Lifetime Special “Live Your Life”, Young LA/Young Dro/T.I. “Aint I”

This should be… Best clusterf***.  Or Best Club joint. I’m just happy this year that the whole category is not just alternating between Weezy & T-Pain. I swear one award show I saw was like So&So/Weezy, So&So/T-Pain, So&So/Weezy, So&So/T-Pain, Weezy/T-pain. Who cares who wins.

Best Female Hip Hop Artist: Lil Mama, M.I.A., Trina

WTHoly Ham & Cheese Batman? Lil Mama? She’s still doing music? I thought she was a judge on a show in which she has no expertise? I’m so lost right now. I bet M.I.A. will feel real salty if she doesn’t win. (At least she should) I’m a FLA girl so of course I like Trina.. but not enough to give her a freaking award for teaching us how to look back at it. Stop the madness.

Best New Artist: Kid Cudi, Jasmine Sullivan, M.I.A., Ryan Leslie, Keri Hilson.

I support this category because no matter how much I can’t stand the artist, I respect them hustlin’ for that money, and I’m all about them getting props. I’m just sad that MY fave new artists never get love. That’s probably because they are still selling CD’s out of their cars. Why isn’t Drake on here? He’s not new, but technically, maybe he is? Or is it because he doesn’t have videos and hoes? I guess Mixtapes don’t make it in. They should. Where is Janelle Monae? Or was she new last year? I have too many questions. My vote is for M.I.A. (who also, isn’t new). I like Kid Cudi, but I’m not on his jock yet.

Video of the year: Beyonce and then some other people.

Bey is nominated twice. If I Were A Boy (who sat through that whole thing?) and Single Ladies. It doesn’t matter who else is nominated because the Gay Male Illuminati will not allow Bey to lose for Single Ladies. Done.

Best Actor: Common, Idris Elba, Jamal Woolard, Will Smith, Samuel L. Jackson

I had to look closely at who the heck Jamal Woolard was. I didn’t see Notorious. Sorry. I’m a Will Smith Stan…. he better win. Too bad I won’t be watching to know.

Best Actress: Angela Bassett, Taraji P. Henson, Beyonce, Jennifer Hudson, Rosario Dawson.

Angela & Beyonce please sit down. First off Taraji should win hands down. This chick was up for an OSCAR! People finally know her name and will stop calling her “I hate you Jodi”. I’m both mad/happy she’s even in this thing. Mad because a BET award is like winning an old dusty TV from a random raffle. You don’t mind having the TV, but you don’t need it, and it’ll go in that room that no one uses. Happy because BET was smart enough to recognize her awesomeness. Rosario is great too, but Seven Pounds does not = Benjamin Button. Sorry, sit down. Jennifer Hudson, I’m not exactly sure what movie this is for. Love you, sit down.

That’s about it. These are my randomly rude thoughts and I’m sorry if you feel like I offended your musical tastes. If you would like to be put on to what I feel is real music, please hit me up. I love to share and expose underrated artists!

Feel free to comment here or over Twitter/FB.

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Obsessed Movie Review

Now it seems as though plenty of people have shared their personal thoughts on the movie, but far fewer have given an actual review. The running consensus is that Men should NOT go to see this movie, do NOT take your girl, and that this is the scariest movie of 2009. I disagree with all of those, and say Men, PLEASE watch this movie. It is a complete guide of WHAT NOT TO DO. Now, I will say if you do not wish to have the plot spoiled, please do not continue to read. Honestly though, the movie is so predictable you will have it all figured out in the first 15 minutes. Go ahead and read, and then go ahead and watch the movie for visuals sake.

First off, I expected some of Bey’s more sexier songs to be randomly playing in the scenes between her and Idris. A little Cater 2 U, T-Shirt…. something. Hell Dangerously In Love would have been super fitting for the dramatic fight scene. Nonetheless, it wasn’t so.

So Derek (Idris) is basically a high powered Investment Banker (I think) who has a thing for office chicks. He’s married to Sharon (Bey) who used to be the uneducated but extremely-hot-so-I-GOTS-ta-have-her girl who worked as his assistant. I found this to be really interesting, and I’ll explore that in just a few. Now if you ask me, the movie got down to the crazy rather quickly. I’d say in about the first 15 minutes the Psycho Lisa (Ali Later) came in, we realized she was psycho, and Derek should have used his Black Spider Sense (BSS) and fired her ass, end movie.

I hate to make it a race issue because many people prior to seeing the movie said that they refused to see it like that, and those of us who do are race baiters and blah blah blah. But, for the sake of this blog (and because I’m sorry, I just saw it like that) let’s make it about race because it’s that much funnier when you do. This is clearly a case of Not Who You Want In Your Life. As a well educated, wealthy, fine black man (and he really was fine in this movie) you do NOT need sexy white women in your life. Under NO circumstances. Hell, you probably don’t need ANY white women in your life. Unless she’s your boss, do not talk to her. Even in that case, take the bass out of your voice and pretend to be gay. If you are married, pretend to be gay anyway. Derek should have known this.

So Derek is your all around nice guy, he talks to you in the elevator, he’s all about business but if you cry he’ll sit down to give you some sound relationship advice. WRONG move. In one scene Derek sees the Psycho crying. Of course she’s clearly setting a trap for him, and he falls hook, line, and sinker. He was just passing through the breakroom for his lunch, but the nice guy in him just couldn’t let her crazy ass sit there and cry. *Note to men* We are able to cry at the drop of a hat. It’s a gift. We do it because it works. It always does. Stop falling for it unless YOU really did something to make her cry. At least think it through first before you get all hero on her. So he sits down and gives her a shoulder to cry on about her ex situation and then he goes about his way. Of course, the Psychoness only gets deeper.

Throughout the rest of the movie, he does a series of really dumb things that I pray no smart Black man would do in the same situation. I mean this guy was educated and highly accomplished at work, but had no clue on how to handle a crazy chick. He made a series of dumb moves from talking to this girl too much, to letting her fondle him and get naked in his car without whooping her ass telling his wife, the HR department, or filing a restraining order. He needs a serious lesson in How to Cover Your Ass.

Let’s go back to Bey. She’s his lovely wife, and it became pretty clear that she was this girl that he probably tried to jump off with, but she’s got skills. He figures he can make her into the housewife to raise his kids and have that total Corporate White Man Package. She bucks the system though because after having his first child, she wants to get her degree and have some sense about herself. (He doesn’t like this) Also, after meeting Psycho she can immediately tell that she isn’t the business. To a lot of men I’m sure they saw her as hating, but in reality, she used to be that girl. She already knew the deal. She orders him to fire her, but he’s the “go with the flow type” and just assumes she’ll be gone herself. He doesn’t get worried (like he should) when she keeps popping up all over the place.

Well Long Story Short, Bey finds out, “leaves him”, they get back together, girl comes back and semi-kidnaps their child (which to me is grounds to seek out that crazy chick and have her murdered arrested), they get an alarm system, her and Bey come face to face and fight until Psycho Becky loses and dies. The fight scene was pretty funny. Bey was really on her ghetto “bring it on BITCH” and Psycho was just like a stealth tiger. To me Bey didn’t really do enough. It should have been over much quicker. She was trying to be all brolick, when in reality she should have gone in hard, clocked the hoe one-time real good with the dresser mirror and dipped. But noooo, she let ole girl get her hands on her. If you don’t watch any part of the movie, watch this part. Another What Not To Do.

Random Thoughts Throughout The Movie:

  • When drunk white people dance, it is never okay.
  • What is with the over the top gay assistant? Why was he set to ruin that man’s life?
  • I swear Apple must pay big bucks to be the Laptop of ALL Movies.
  • It would have been real funny if Ring The Alarm was the closing credits song.
  • What took the Cop so long to get there? Where were the REST of the PoPo’s? See black family moves on up and still can’t get no help. (I keed. I keed.)
  • Why did Bey’s face look so round? She looked half Asian. They need to leave that girl’s ethnicity alone.

That’s about it. Overall rating… 2 1/2 stars out of 5. Bey’s Hood Chick persona was laughable, and dude was too stupid. This movie was PRE-DIC-TA-BLE. Men… DO NOT DO ANYTHING THAT HE DID. Except the buying the house, cars, etc. stuff. LOL

Will you be Obsessed?

I find myself completely stuck on this one. There is a new movie coming out tomorrow that is getting more promotion than a Will Smith movie on the Fourth of July. Clearly you know what I’m talking about. The new energy-packed and beautiful people studded feature starting Idris Elba, Beyonce, and Ali Larter. *cue crazy fast and the furious music* OBSESSED!

So it seems like just like the world is divided about Twitter, it is equally divided about this movie. There are those who can’t believe that anyone would go see this train wreck and then those that can’t wait to get a Cosmo with their girlfriends and see Bey kick some crazy white girl booty! I say it like because for many this movie is digging into some deep racial issues considering the race and the actions of the characters. Is this movie trying to make a statement about the Devil in the Blue Dress? Is this movie pointing out how black women are head snapping, neck rolling, protectors of our men and our families? Is the black man weak and unable to fight his “kryptonite?” Is this merely another attempt to make Beyonce into an actress when we know this is just not her lane? Will this movie be a kick a** portrayal of a crazy affair and a wife pushed too far, race nonwithstanding?

This are all questions that I think have been raised concerning this movie. I admit, initially I was on the “Oh so the white girl is tryna mess up the BLACK man’s family!” and then I had to back down and take off my militant hat and put down the fist. I see if for what it *might* be now and I feel it will be mildly entertaining. I love me some Bey but she’s not an actress. That H-town accent is so strong when she speaks I just imagine gravy dripping from a biscuit. I see cowboy boots and brisket dancing cirles around her head. It’s distracting. As much as Bey gets paid to model her “hair” I’m so shocked to see the hairstyle they chose for her to wear the duration of this role. They really should have done better. But I’m excited! I think at the least the movie will be funny, and I will get to roll my eyes aplenty. And since I’ll take up any occasion to have a drink or two I’m sure I’ll be slightly intoxicated throughout this movie which will allow me to heckle the characters loudly in the theater.

I don’t pay for movies so I will not feel cheated if it doesn’t live up to my low expectations. I may be the only woman (especially black) who doesn’t find Idris just the most hottest man in the world. I don’t and I can’t. He’s not ugly, but I do not fall over myself nor do I double take at seeing him on screen or in person. *shrugs* To each her own, but could you imagine if they would have cast this guy?

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That would be Djimon Hounsou, Kimora Lee’s newest beau and the adonis of the movies Amistad, Gladiator, Beauty Shop, etc. I picked him because he’s hot, he’s older, and he’s hot. I mean really hot. There are the classics such as Morris Chestnut, Blair Underwood (although after Madea’s Family Reunion I see him as a wife beater and Bey wouldn’t have gotten a hand in on the white girl), and the rest of the Black Hollywood sexies, but Djimon would have been FIYAH! With that deep accent and eyes that just scream “Give us us free” I would have paid the money to see that movie.

I digress.

So…..will you be Obesessed?