True Life: Will & Grace, I'm straight, he's gay.

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Check out Men Sleeping With Men Part I HERE

So the last time we discussed this we talked about the idea of Men who sleep with Men but aren’t gay. The overall consensus was that this is in fact just an attempt for men to try to justify being down low or avoid the actual terms of Gay/Bisexual. However, since writing that and really doing my own research I don’t particularly agree with that. I know that’s a hard pill for many to swallow (myself included), but I do believe that men and women can separate sex from their sexuality. I’m not sure if I put that the right way. Perhaps that’s another post for another day.

This post is different though. It’s a bit cheeky and not so serious, yet something to think about.

It seems that actual gay/bisexual men are not hurting for women still! They are getting married! To women! Women who know! In our previous discussion most women said that they wouldn’t even continue to date a man who admitted to previously having slept with men. So what’s up with these women? Why would a woman marry a man who is admittedly gay and likes men? Here’s an excerpt of what one woman says about being a “Beard”.  She’s a reader of NecoleBitchie.com and had this to say:

I began talking to a guy in ATL (go figure) who is in a high power position and has worked close with some of the top dogs in the industry. He is gorgeous and real down to earth. Upon talking to him more and falling for him, we shared some erotic conversations & phone foreplay – it was then that I learned/felt he has some down-low ways in him. Naw, f*ck that, he was gay lol. One would think conversation would have stopped but I kind of felt for him, I was probably the first person in forever who he could completely be himself with.

She goes on to talk about how she pretty much fell for him, and while she did not actually continue that relationship with him, she could have seen herself doing it.  Additionally, Dwight Eubanks from the Real Housewives of ATL is  married!! He’s pretty openly gay & fabulous so *kanye shrug* I don’t get it. Maybe his Fiance is hoping to get a lifetime hook up on a good weave. I suppose she’s in it for the companionship.

I don’t think I could ever feel sorry for a man enough to be with him despite him not actually liking women. I can’t imagine that a Gay man would actually want sympathy over a partner that is equally loving and attentive as he is. I know that there are situations in which Gay men that have yet to make public their sexuality are able to muster arousal enough to have sex with a woman, and perhaps they are still straddling the fence.  However can they happily do this every single night? Hey…no jokes about how straight married couples don’t have sex every night. I will not believe it, I will not!

I know that the commonly held belief is that most Black Women will have slept with at least one man who has had relations with another man in his past, but this is considering that I don’t actually know it. So ladies, could you do it!? Could you date/MARRY a man who is openly (at least with you) gay or bisexual? Are there any Gay or Bisexual men out there who can see this situation working out for you? It is really worth it? Will you and the woman (or you and the man) be miserable later down the line because you pretty much just have a BFF and not a real husband or wife. I mean it could be nice depending on what you want in your marriage. Going back to the Will & Grace reference, I think those two (in TVLand of course) could have actually been happily married.  Yet at the same time,  I just feel like no matter what, denying what you really are and fighting it is never good in the end. Someone will crack. What if you have kids? Do you explain the situation truthfully to the children or do you simply lie to them to avoid confusion when your situation goes against societal norms?

I know this post was mainly about women dating gay men, but would it be different for a man to date or marry a gay woman? Sure stereotypically men go around talking about loving to see two women together and Kanye “would do anything for a blonde dyke” (apparently), but the reality is that most men I talk to would not seriously date a Lesbian. Reason being? She doesn’t like men. The men I know, not the boys, are truly not harnessing some strong desire to try to “switch” a woman.

So what say the people?

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Catching Feelings…

FriendsWithBenefits

I’m sure everyone has been in that situation in which you and another are just kicking it as friends (with or without benefits) and you think that all is well as is. Well I’m pretty positive that this happens often as numerous people have been chatting with me about this and I’ve actually experienced it myself. You guys clearly have a lot in common or else the time spent would be miserable, but you both claim that a relationship is just not what you want at that point. Either you have both admitted this to be the case or the conversation has never been directly had but it has been implied by the fact that the two of you are simply platonic friends. Like Jeezy said, “It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood. All’s well that ends well…Birds are chirping, dogs are barking. It’s beautiful!”

I would say that about 80% of the time it does not stay that way. What happens next? Someone catches feelings.

(make sure you push stop, or else you’ll be feeling all depressed as it keeps looping)

You know how that conversation goes:
Them: So I’ve been thinking…
You: *being a bit naive, but starting to get worried* Oh yea*? About what?
Them: Well…..we need to talk.
You: *light bulb goes off. Great. Just great.* We talk all the time. What’s up?
Them: Where is this going?
You: *pretending to be naive* What do you mean?
Them: Hmmm *deep in thought* I’m just saying. You know I like you, and I feel like you like me…..*after this point you no longer hear a word they say*

After this revelation typically the friendship is now strained. Everything was going so well and now the utopia that y’all had built up is ruined! You thought it was understood that this wasn’t going anywhere! It just *was*. You can’t go back to just hanging out now because there’s this cloud of expectation hanging over your head. If you were sexing that’s completely out of the question now because they might slip and say “I love you” and THEN what would you do? The friendship is now ruined.

But can you save it?

Perhaps. Maybe it’s not a bad thing. Perhaps truthfully you actually did like that person too but you just didn’t have the manjangles to broach the topic first. The whole process of dating is all about nerves and overcoming them. Comfortableness and trust. Or on the other hand, you truly did not wish to take the relationship any further but you’re a smart and reasonable person and you are able to diffuse the situation honestly and carefully enough that your strong friendship is able to make it through unscathed. If this happens then you are truly awesome and chances are in a few months it will be you that’s head over heels in love with that person while they have moved on. Such is life.

I’m curious though. These days where women are freaking out about being single for life (especially if you are Black) and men are not trying to get married anytime soon, but are constantly talking about wanting that certain “wifey”, shouldn’t you want to be with a friend? If meeting a girl in the club is out, and women can’t stand to be “holla’d” at, what’s the most sure-fire way to find your mate? I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T. women these days don’t want to be approached or offered a gentleman’s hand and the post-Plies generation of men only want Becky and nothing else, so what really gives? It would seem to me that if you found a friend of the opposite sex that you are comfortable with, enjoy spending time with, and are attracted to, then why not? I think far too often we are too caught up and concerned with the colors of the grass and their shades of green (another post for another time). As quickly as we move through information these days when it comes to relationships we rarely live in the “right now”. He or She is perfect “right now” but you don’t see tht because you’re too concerned with “maybe later”.

So readers, what do you think? If in a friendship feelings start to develop should that person swallow them or try to approach the topic? Is it worth the risk?

*shrugs* I’m not really sure. I try to always say what I mean. If I say I’m not interested in a relationship then I’ll stand by that. When it changes I’ll let that be known by keeping it real. I know that women are notorious for agreeing to “non-committed relationships” in the hopes of turning the tide, but that is just the okee doke setup for sure!

So my opinion would be to keep it real. Not just with the “Friend” but with yourself as well.

Guest Post: You're all that I need

**** Recently I put out a call to all my bloggers to give me some good stuff about the great sides to being in a relationship and they all showed up! I’m so very excited! If you want to write something, hit me up and we’ll get you on here! Today’s blog comes from a dear efriend of mine Jamaal who is married and from what I can tell loving it! He and his wive recently had a BEAUTIFUL baby girl and I am wishing them the best! You can check out his wonderful musings at his own blog Soul of a Champion.****

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Most people have love songs written by great artists like Luther Vandross, Anita Baker and the like that could describe how they feel about their significant other. Me, I’ve got Method Man. Now, I know that some people might be like WTF Method Man got to do with how you love your wife?

Let me explain.

Back in 1995, Method Man and Mary J. Blige came out with a remake to a song called “Your All I Need.” The beat and chorus were sampled from Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell who originally released the song back in 1968. In the first verse of the song Meth opens up with:

“Shorty I’m there for you anytime you need me
For real girl, it’s me in your world, believe me
Nuttin make a man feel better than a woman
Queen with a crown that be down for whatever
There are few things that’s forever, my lady
We can make war or make babies
Back when I was nothin
You made a brother feel like he was somethin
That’s why I’m with you to this day boo no frontin
Even when the skies were gray
You would rub me on my back and say “Baby it’ll be okay”
Now that’s real to a brother like me baby
Never ever give my cootie away and keep it tight aight
And I’ma walk these dogs so we can live
In a fat ass crib with thousands of kids
Word life you don’t need a ring to be my wife
Just be there for me and I’ma make sure we
Be livin in the effin lap of luxury
I’m realizing that you didn’t have to fuck wit me
But you did, now I’m going all out kid
And I got mad love to give, you my nigga”

In my opinion, this shit right here could have been my wedding vows (if the preacher, and all of our family hadn’t traveled to get there). The reason being, Method Man came genuine and in all honestly, a translation of this into plain English could be one of the best love letters ever written.

Take note.

Baby,

Whenever you need me I promise to be there. I’m only a fly on the wall in the world of your wonderful existence. There’s nothing that equates to the feeling that I have when I’m with you. You’re the Queen to my crown and still down for whatever. In life, there are few things that are forever. Sometimes it seems that the two societal extremes we have are that we can either argue all the time or have a bunch of kids. But, I love you because when I was nothing, you supported me; and for that I’ve remained loyal til this day.  Even when things weren’t looking too good, you’d rub me on my back and say “Baby, it’ll be ok.” To me that’s what separates the genuineness in you from the weakheartedness of others. You’ve remained loyal to me and continually provided me with good love. So, from here on out, I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure you have all that you desire. Even though we’ve been together for 6 years (married 5), I’d be with you faithful still because you’ve supported me so much; even if we had never gotten married.  And if you continue to support me, I’ll make sure we’ll have all the riches and luxuries we’ve dreamed of and spent so many nights talking about. When I asked you to be with me, I realize you were about to graduate college and move to Chicago, thank you for taking a chance on me. And because you did, I’m going to give this all I’ve got because I love you with all my heart.

You my nigga,
Jamaal

In my opinion, that’s the good side of a relationship. We hear a lot about “Why Men Cheat,” Why Women Cheat,” “Why Are Men Dogs?,” “Why he always wanna do it from the back? Don’t he wanna look at me?”etc. But we hardly ever hear about a love that’s endearing, rewarding, and healthy. Luckily, my relationship with my wife is all of those things. The translated letter above is honestly how I feel. My wife was with me when I lived in a dorm. She stood by me in the early years of our marriage when we maybe had $20 left over at the end of the month. She was with me when we signed the closing papers on our house and she was also there when we purchased our second car. She has been with me through struggles, tragedies, and triumphs. We’ve got goals to accomplish and milestones to achieve together.

Because she’s been so supportive of me, I’ve made her dreams my dreams. Over the years I’ve wanted her successes sometimes more than my own. Everyday aint rosy, trust me, but with us I don’t think there’s ever a day the sun doesnt shine.

Jamaal

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The Tahiry Effect: Women and their tricks

Most of my blog topics stem from conversations or requests. This one is no different. As am I often found doing, yesterday I was having a conversation with a friend on the complexities of relationships. I was talking about the newest phenomenon in cosmetic procedures: hydrogel injections, affectionately known as Butt Shots. My friend was utterly disgusted, confused, befuddled, and angered. All at the same time. I explained to him that these injections give women with little to no derriere (no Dereon or Beyonce for that matter) the Tahiry effect. I don’t know if she’s fake, but I’m just going to say that these extreme dimensions are pretty rare. And I’ve seen some coke bottles.

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Now while there are plenty of women that naturally have bodies that people like me admire and most men of melanin desire, there are far more women who fail at this. It’s quite alright. Just like other stereotypcs about our people and our men, it is not always true that black women have big ole juicy apple bottom bootys. My friend then went on a mini-rant about how it’s not fair that women are constantly tricking men (in this case, it don’t matter if YOU got it).  He argued that it’s not right to make a man fall in love with your backside and it aint even yours. I’ve heard this argument plenty of times from many men. Some men hate weaves, even well-done weaves, breast implants, liposuction, spanx, injections, acrylic nails, and even make-up.  They hate the idea that they will meet a beautiful woman and she will wash away in the shower. I totally understand, that’s not a very nice thought.

My initial argument with him was that it could be a reaction to the imagery that men like to idolize. Women tend to care a little bit more about looks and tend to be a bit hard on themselves. When we’re with our man-friend and we catch his eye wandering to the girl that walks by with a booty that is beating like an african drum, a small piece of us inside looks back at our own mamase mamasah moomakusa (RIP MJ) and feels a bit dejected. While we’re rocking the sexy Halle Berrrrrrrrraye circa 1991 Strictly Business thinking we’re fly, yet our man is constantly oogling the girls on TV with the indian hawaiian silky down their backs, we begin to seriously consider that sew-in. Now I’m not saying it’s always to this extreme. A bit of it is because sometimes we let insecurities creep in and I’m not going to sit here and pretend that not even really strong black women don’t fall to insecurities. We’re human and it happens. But just like men go out and buy the cars and the bling to make women sing, women go out and do the things they believe will attract men. If we aint got it, we can buy it.

Take a look at this. She’s a pretty decent chick originally, but what this magazine did to her took her to anoher level. Men fall in love with photoshopped girl and this becomes their version of how a woman should look. This becomes what he’s out looking for, and “normal” women just don’t stack up. When in reality, this version doesn’t even really exist.

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He then challenged me that there is someone for everyone. Just like there are men who prefer long hair, there are men that love a girl with the ‘fro. Additionally, he said that men falling in love has more to do with timing and less to do with the dime that just walked by that he has just got to have. He said, it doesn’t make sense for a woman to go to all of these lengths to look a certain way beause she feels like that’s what some man wants, because it really won’t be the deciding factor for him as to if he wants to be with her or not. If he’s ready, he’s ready, if he’s not, he’s not. Getting your flapjacks filled with hydrogel won’t speed the process. Of course he added, at the end of the day it’s always best to just be yourself. Agreed.

I then countered that perhaps the whole thing was shallow on both ends. Men fall in love too quickly with the way a girl looks, so fast it becomes all they care about. If she’s an awesome person deep inside (out the gutter please) then who cares if her looks wash away. Perhaps she wasn’t trying to trick you, but she just loves the process of dressing up, putting on make-up, and getting her nails done. Or maybe whether you like it or not, she just loves the way her face looks with makeup on. Perhaps she loves doing different things with her hair and so she enjoys getting weaves just to try out random styles. She may not even need it.

Now let me say that I do not fully support cosmetic enhancements because I am one to believe that you should be happy the way God made you. At the same time it’s like, do what makes you happy. I’m sure if Tahiry’s assets are in fact a figment of our imaginations and she didn’t get it from her mama, it was still a healthy investment. She’s getting hers. It trips me out though because this is becoming a widespread phenomenon. I’ve heard of Butt Shot parties where women line up and a woman with a syringe comes by and makes their dreams of being the newest member of the Twerk Team a possibilty.

It’s crazy out there. What do you Random Readers out there think? Are you cool if a woman has had some enhancements to give her the body of your dreams? Women, would you or have you had some work done? How do you feel about it?

Signed,

Original Packaging

Doing The Math.

This is a new concept for me so please, help me out if you can. A friend of mine was trying to explain why guys sometimes do things to a mass audience. We were discussing the mass texting phenomenon and how men often times get caught due to underestimating and a lack of understanding the CIA-like tendencies of women. Additionally men have a problem with living their lives on the edge and the strange act of flinging dirt around in the same sandbox. The scenario goes down like this:

There’s a group of females that are all good friends, defy the odds, and enjoy each other’s company. When they aren’t all attached at the hip they manage to all run into the Alpha Male over a period of time, separately. Now, this Gentleman is keen and aware and he knows that these females are not only friends, but tend to share the same space often. Why then, does this lovely chromosomely-different specimen, feel it in his heart to make the all too damning move of the “Mass Text”. Now taking away those women that know how to determine each recipient a text message goes out to, we have the man that gets caught because during a girls night out, each lady received a sweet romantic text at the exact same time. This is a sad sad day for this Mantasticle™ creature as the clowning that is about to ensue is sure to be scathing to his ego, his EGO, and will probably have him head down and tail tucked in shame for a while.

So with that situation ending so badly, why do men constantly attempt this? Do they not know that when you send that Sexty picture mail out of your manajanles and microphone, it lists all the numbers you’ve sent it to? Is it wishful thinking that your picture will be so amazing no one in their right might will be paying attention to the 10 other phone numbers listed about it?

Aha! My dear friend and informant told me that I was overthinking the whole thing. He said and I quote, “It’s simply ‘doing the math’. If I send a cute little late night text or picture out to 10 females, I run a risk that maybe 4 of them are with each other, 2 may notice that it went out to more than just them, 1 may not care, but then 3 are impressed and will hit me back.” As I sat stunned for a second, he added a bit of salt to the wound of the harsh truth saying, “Not to mention, even the 4 that were with each other will respond. Sure, they may all text me back saying ‘Don’t you know we’re all sitting next to each other!?’ but after a well worded cocky response, I can usually add 2 of the 4 to the list of girls that are down for the evening. In the end, I sent a text out to 10, 5 are down. That’s a 50% shot. I just did the math.”

Holy hamhocks, gravy, and sweet potato pie! Really?! So that’s how it works!? Add to my paranoia will you please! Now I look at every text that does not specifically state my name with a suspicious side eye. Even that is suspiscious as technology seems to be out to get us all because now you can send personalized mass text messages. My movement to stop techno-dating is officially about to launch! How can I know that he’s truly into me and I’m not just a figure in one of his odds? While I’m sitting here with my girls clowning this fool for being dumb, he’s actually pretty smart and knows that for all our clowning, two are fronting and will be awaiting the follow-up text later.

He went on to say that “Doing The Math™” can work a number of ways, not just in the iWorld and I was impressed. Men, do you subscribe to this theory of Doing The Math? How else can it work? Ladies, WTH!? How can we stand together and fight against this!?

Everything's Gay…only not

So it seems like the recent trend in the world is to be Gay. I mean all the cool kids (but not actually, The Cool Kids) are doing it. There is nothing wrong with this, but as a young single woman who strongly desires the company of a man, it is slightly scary to feel like the Walls of Gay are closing in on me and all available Black Men will soon go the way of Prada Shoes and matching belts. Now this may seem like an exaggeration, but I have some pretty fly gay male friends here in ATL and they constantly tell me that this guy, that guy, and yup, that guy over there, are in fact Gay. This thoroughly saddens me. I’m a supporter of Gay rights, no doubt. But I’m also a supporter of a fine man that wants to date ME. LOL

I work at a night club on the weekends and sometimes we have parties promoted by the FAB 5 (Fine and Black) and when I tell you, the whole club will be packed to the hilt with some of the MOST GORGEOUS men in the world. Seriously. It brought tears to my eyes. They were all Gay. To watch them grind on each other and feel jealousy coursing through my veins was just torment to my heart. I mean on a regular club night, I’d be lucky to be able to say “there are some cuties in here”. On Gay night however, amid all the tight shirts, sexy shoes, perfect fitting jeans, smell good, and clean hair, I’d say about 98% of the guys would have me buying THEM drinks if it weren’t for the fact that my eyebrows are the only thing they like on me. (Even the Gangsta Gays compliment me when my hair and makeup is on point) I even ran into some men from my old University who I had no clue about until that moment.

When you turn on the TV, it’s everywhere. We use fashion as the quickest determination of who’s gay and who’s not and so according to the world of Gay Persecution, Skinny Jeans 100% make you Gay. Well hell. Also, dressing nice and bright is another indicator. Anything different. Jesus rescue me and take me home. That means that

This guy

lil-wayne-skinny-jeans

This guy

pharrell-autograph-event-3

This guy

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And this guy

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Are ALLLLLLLLLLL Gay

Now, outside of the jokes, I think we can hopefully safely say that these men are not Gay. However, we are so quick to jump on the “They are Gay!!!” train because they dare to be different. (I’m slightly convinced on Kanye though, living in ATL has hipped me to some stuff). When you look on TV there’s the LOGO channel, Bravo TV’s shows, Will & Grace, True Life: I’m Gay/Bisexual/Transgendered, Prop 8 this, Civil Unions that. It really shows us all how Homosexuality and the lifestyle is really moving to the forefront. I wrote a blog on Men who sleep with Men yet claim they are not Gay as well as the women that marry them, and it was at that time that I really started to understand the separation of the sexual act and the lifestyle.

Living in ATL when you combine the media attention and the rumors and the Gay accusations from Gay men themselves, you really start to feel as though you are in the minority if you are straight. As a single woman this puts me in Panic mode. How will I find my husband when EVERYONE IS GAY!? Oh my goodness, what if HE is gay? Or THAT guy is gay? (Not that there’s anything wrong with that)  Oh no!

Well I think I’ve hit a wall. One day a friend of mine was talking about a mutual friend of ours and she said, “well he’s cute, true, but you know he’s gay.” Me *jaw dropped* NOOOO! I’ve run into men that I had previously attempted to flirt with at my clubs Gay night doing Single Ladies with one hand flipping in the air, and the other hand holding an Apple Martini extra cherries. FML.

After that day though it seemed like everyone was pointing out that everyone else was gay. It got to be so annoying that I had to just stop in the street Jennifer Lowe Hewitt style and just ask God above “What do you want from me!” I came to the realization that EVERYONE and EVERYTHING is not Gay! We have to stop substituting the word Gay for words like different, lame, fashionable, [insert whatever here]. Just because he wears Green pants with a Yellow sweater does not make him Gay! Just because he smells good and takes time to get himself right when he’s stepping out does not make him Gay! Just because he sleeps with men every now and then….. wait. Wait. Nevermind.

I’m just saying. All this over-trivializing of the Gay lifestyle is getting to be too much. When I tell you, he could be wearing a white tee and a fitted, fight dudes in the club, and go home and cuddle up with his man-boo. Right now we are at the height of Gay activism and there is much work to be done. I wish people would stop trying to belittle their movement by making the most mundane things a “Gay” thing. The yellow journalism has got to stop. I’m sure we put a lot of people in the Gay category who are in fact not Gay and who the Gay people would rather throw back on our side. (Who is claiming Diddy these days?) I wrote this post to say that the word Gay is being thrown around too much and honestly makes a mockery of the true Gay lifestyle. I know it’s easy here in ATL, but really. It’s ok. We’ll all be alright. Besides, even though the ratio of women to men here is 40 to 1 and of the men in the city, only a good 30% are available, at least we have some good eye candy. We also have a huge pool of men to pick from to go shopping with. Now I’d say that’s a fair trade!

I bet if this dude was wearing some what is deemed as “straight” clothes, no one would think twice.

Sashay- Shaunte!