Woman's Instinct…or Delusions of Grandeur

intuition

You know we ladies are great for “knowing” that things are happening around us. It’s what some call a really good gut feeling, but is commonly known as “A Woman’s Intuition”. We can read faces and analyze one’s demeanor quite expertly to determine if what is being said or done is truly what is intended. This can be for good or for bad, but either way it’s quite a skill. While I truly believe that this is all true and that we ladies have great instincts I also believe it’s a slight bit mixed in with delusions. Yes, I said it. Delusions.

You may be asking yourself, “What does she mean by that?” and I’m truly glad you asked. Sometimes I feel that women are prone to making things up in our own heads and then attributing those “revelations” to our instinct or gut feeling. I’ll give you an example. I’ve blogged about this before, but I’ll just copy and paste the scenario I’d like to discuss. From Sex and The City:

Carrie starts dating Mr. Big, she has sex with him on the first date, he takes her out for Chinese where she runs into an old friend on a date. Problem: Old date doesn’t introduce her to his current girl because he’s ashamed because he doesn’t think she’s pretty. He also tells her that that restaurant is where men take women they are ashamed of but love the sex. Carrie is later out with Mr. Big and he runs into a guy on the street and fails to introduce Carrie to him. He also backs out of meeting her friends later. Carrie takes this as “Oh my gosh! I’m the secret sex whore!” She gets drunk and shows up at his house acting like a fool. He calmly tells her that he took her to that restaurant because it’s his favorite, he didn’t introduce her to the man in the street because he couldn’t remember the guy’s name, and he couldn’t meet her friends because he had courtside tickets to see the Knicks. Carrie stands there looking dumb.

Now, this is a really good example of what I’m trying to explain. Granted this was just a television show, I KNOW most women watched this like it was the Gospel and spoke to their real lives. Here Carrie gets a gut feeling (loosely based off of her random encounters) and she makes up these grand delusions and comes dangerously close to talking her big mouth out of a good thing. I think this initial interaction with Carrie is what led him to treat her like she was crazy at times as they went on to date.

Sometimes ladies, we take what could be a tiny gut feeling and turn it into a mountain of emotions. Say you’re talking to a guy and things are going great! He gets a new job and now he’s super busy and you are fully aware of this. However, he stops calling you every 3 hours and the text messages slow down. Now you know fully well that he’s busy for a reason, and you have no other signs to point to any other causes yet your mind starts to working. As you go throughout your day with this new decrease in conversation you begin to make up things in your mind. Is he seeing someone new? Did he not like that new perfume you bought? Did you say something crazy? You start to drive yourself crazy and the next full conversation that you have with him you unleash a flurry of random accusations, emotional outbursts, apologies, and exhausted sighs. At the end of it all he replies with what you already knew, “I have a new job, I have to impress, and you know I’ve been working non-stop. I try to check in when I can.” [Insert POW! face here]

All of that for nothing. I’m not saying that a Woman’s Intuition is not something to pay attention to, but please be aware of our own inclination to lend ourselves to our emotions. Sometimes we talk things up in our own minds which leads to us talking ourselves right out the door. There are some women out there whose “intuition” constantly tells them that their man is cheating. Sometimes he is, and other times he might just be grinding extra hard just to be right for you. Take the time to truly think about it and be discerning before you act a fool. I’ve seen many a friend get caught up with the “ooops” face when they discover that they were wrong. On the flip side, don’t be delusional in thinking that your no-good, bad boy thug that you snagged is doing 100% right by you when he stays with a chick on the side. Don’t ignore your intuition when it’s knocking you dead in the head constantly.

It’s a balancing act. Honestly, that’s what being a woman is all about right?

A Woman and Her Friends

Men are always commenting on how women are catty to one another and unable to get along. When you look at it in it’s simplest form through a man’s eyes, there is some truth to it. However, as a female that has Sorority sisters that I love but few female friends outside of that, I started to really think and analyze in my own way, the dynamics of female friendships.

In true Random fashion, let me start by saying that it’s not as if women are completely incapable of having female friends. If that were the case, shows like The Golden Girls (R.I.P Bea & Estelle *tear*), Sex & The City, and Girlfriends wouldn’t have had an audience. These relationships do exist and I’ll explore that further shortly. However, I do believe that the major reason these shows captivate their female audiences is more out of desire. We long and desire to have close tight knit cliques like the ones we see on T.V. Unfortunately, this is real life we’re talking about and Hollywood is in the hills.

So here it is. The 411 as I see it. Women are highly intelligent beings. We are analytical, intuitive, and pay very close attention to everything. We are emotional and driven by our feelings, and  our sixth sense is the ability to sniff out someone with bad character. That sixth sense is automatically shut down when in love however. When you put all of that together you have a SuperHuman of sorts. That’s what we ladies truly are. However, these skills can be used for evil as well, and when that happens, crazy things are bound to erupt.

I believe it starts during Childhood. When little boys don’t like each other they fight physically. Sometimes they go turn around and become best friends. Of course boys pick on each other too, but a lot of it is geared towards physical aggression, which don’t get me wrong, is extremely harmful still. With little girls it is mostly mental. Name-calling, tauting, spreading rumors and lies, and public humiliation. Think about the movie Carrie.

carrie-pigs-blood

In high school it’s the same thing only magnified as now the cliques are forming and are important to the high school social structure. I have a thought that we women clique up for the camaraderie yes, but also for the protection. See by this point we ladies are starting to figure out how we operate. We’re getting involved in relationships and starting to see our emotions getting out of control. Knowing how unstable we can be, we don’t put it past our female friends to be the same way. So naturally we are cautious.

Just like in a relationship with a man, we are quite the same in our friendships with women. It takes a lot for us to give in to completely trusting the other person. We have to take down our walls, we have to be vulnerable. If this is all betrayed we are just as hurt only probably about 10x moreso. As women are a bit more emotional and dramatic when it comes to expression and our feelings, fights between two women can seem like World War III. It likely is. When a man hurts his girlfriend it’s usually a simple act on his part. He cheated, he just left, he did something stupid yet simple. With a woman, she may have told a deep dark secret of ours, she may have been the one he cheated with, she may have stolen from us, or she may have been M.I.A. when we needed her the most.

It’s true, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned because when a woman is hell bent on causing pain and destruction, it’s like nothing you’ve ever seen. So basically, women have a harder time forging these bonds because just like we’re careful with our hearts when it comes to men, we’re the same way with women. The difference is that we will put it on the line for a man because we seek him as a life-long companion. With female friendships we don’t see those as a necessity. I was talking to some lesbian friends of mine and they said that relationships with women are far more complicated than with a man. The emotions are doubled, the details are far more extreme, and breaking up is beyond hard to do. This is just one opinion, so I can’t back that up with scientific fact.

As a sorority girl, I think it’s good that we are taught to view each other as Sisters. We’re family and so we fight like sisters do and we kiss and make up like sisters do. If we were simply “friends” sororities would have never made it this far. Don’t get me wrong, I see plenty of females who have their “girl group” that’s been together since middle school, but these relationships take extreme dedication and vulnerability. I have girlfriends from high school that I love and adore and they will be with me for life, but I can’t say that we’ve always been like peas in a pod.

So men, it’s not that women are just rude and don’t want to be friends because we want to steal each other’s boyfriends. It’s more that we love hard no matter the extent of the relationship and we’re far more protective of our hearts and emotions. Granted it often manifests itself in cattiness and “bitchery” but really it’s just a way for us to weed each other out for those real girlfriends that we can start the next major television sitcom with.

My Love|Hate Relationship with Sex & The City

Like just about every woman in the world, every gay man, and every man secretly desiring to know what we women really think, I love Sex & The City. I personally saw my situation to be just like Carrie and Mr. Big’s and I just knew that the ups and downs would pay off eventually. When I saw the movie I told my close friend, “See!! It works out in the end!” She promptly reminded me that it was a sitcom turned movie but that if I wanted to see the reality in it, it took Mr. Big 10 years to come around and nearly drove Carrie crazy. She asked, “Is that the means you wish to seek just for that ending?” She assured me there are better ways to get there.

Well, now Sex & the City is on DVD and also syndicated on TBS and so one never really has to stray far to get a hit of the hit show. My friends and I would sit on the couch with a bottle(s) of wine, drunken goat cheese, wafer crackers, and watch entire seasons at a time. Afterwards in a drunken stupor we would discuss and basically marvel at how genius this show was! We saw ourselves! This was real life! They were totally speaking the truth! And you know what? Despite the title of this blog, I stand by that.

But let me tell you where the hate comes in. I realize now that my complete adoration and ability to relate was during a time of my own crisis. It confirmed that I was in fact not crazy and men suck and are just confused children who can’t get their acts straight. Now that I’ve seen the light and have come into clarity, I realize I was a bit mistaken and perhaps seeing the wrong side of Sex & The City. Mind you, I still love this show! I mean the crazy situations and camaraderie shared between the ladies is priceless! It does remind me of my closest friends and I when we hang out. And who doesn’t love the Labels and the fabulous look into life in the Big Apple?

Certainly I do.

But I came to the realization that Carrie Bradshaw was absolutely, unapologetically, without a doubt CRAZY! She is the pure definition of a woman who worked hard to drive a man away. If you watched that show and tried to apply her logic to your relationship you were certainly headed in the wrong direction. In real life and certainly in the real lives of Black women, this would not have flown. I’ll give you an example: (Sorry for the length)

Carrie starts dating Mr. Big, she has sex with him on the first date, he takes her out for Chinese, she runs into an old friend on a date. Problem: Old date doesn’t introduce her to his current girl because he’s ashamed that she’s not pretty. He also tells her that that restaurant is where men take women they are ashamed of but love the sex. Carrie is later out with Mr. Big and he runs into a guy on the street and fails to introduce Carrie to him. He also backs out of meeting her friends later. Carrie takes this as “Oh my gosh! I’m the secret sex whore!” She gets drunk and shows up at his house acting like a fool. He calmly tells her that he took her to that restaurant because it’s his favorite, he didn’t introduce her to the man in the street because he couldn’t remember his name, and he couldn’t meet her friends because he had courtside tickets to see the Knicks. Carrie stands there looking dumb.

This happens over and over and over again throughout the entire run of the show. Mr. Big isn’t without fault, but often times Carrie acted like a Bi-Polar, overly emotional woman who couldn’t figure out how to fight her crazy! Mr. Big doesn’t call her, she reads deeply into it and stomps to his house and breaks up with him only to realize he had a heart attack or something. That didn’t happen, but it’s the same concept. We won’t even get into how she did Aiden.

So for as much as I love this show, I have to admit, I hate it. Every time I watch and Carrie is acting out of pocket I just want to shake her. But the good news is it causes me to look inside myself and realize the moments that I may need to shake myself. So if you are watching Sex & The City as a roadmap for your life, or as a look into the minds of women, please do so with caution.  There is no writer creating the movie for your life and things may not turn out how you had hoped. Two Can Play That Game is also not a good movie to reference. I aint sayin’, but I’m sayin.

“Does that make me craaaaazay!?” (yes… yes it does)