The Downward Spiral of Sexual Deviancy

At what point will we get it together?


Back in the day, this would be an innocent party.

If for some reason you cannot watch the video or you feel like you can’t take the time out to do so, I’ll briefly tell you the story if you haven’t heard it. A 15 year old female student at this high school, left her homecoming dance to meet her father that was coming to get her. At some point, she ended up with a group of around 20 people who were drinking, some of which were not students and are adults (in the legal sense). For 2 /12 hours some of the men in the group gang-raped her while the others watched. No one did anything. Matter of fact some took pictures and video footage. It wasn’t until other students overheard people basically bragging about it that it was reported.


This is wrong on so many levels that it doesn’t make any sense. It is inconceivable to me that humans living in a civilized (what does THAT even mean) society would think that this was even close to being okay. I understand the groupthink mentality and how it works, but I think this also boils down to cowardice. Those who stood by watching were too cowardly to join in and too cowardly to leave. That’s all it would have taken. One person to walk away and call the police. That’s it.

But this is nothing new. This happens silently all over the place. Victims too afraid to speak out, witnesses too dumb (or too afraid so they’ll later say) to speak out. Give me a break! Everyone is running around talking about “do what you want to do” and “you can’t tell me what’s right or wrong, I make up my own rules” and blah blah blah. At what point does it stop? You can’t use that defense just to make your sexual behavior seem okay to you, and then turn around and yell foul when stuff like this happens. There are reasons why we have moral codes. While they do often contain double standards, and don’t always stop this mess from happening, they lay the groundwork. Sure double standards exist but we can change that without giving in to complete chaos. This represents chaos to me. What if one of these kids says “I don’t live by society’s norms and I follow my own rules” well I mean that’s cool and all but thankfully we have the law on our side.

I know I’m rambling. My thoughts are all over the place I’m so mad. But check this out.

Now, I don’t think you have to watch the entire video, but fast forward to about 5:10 into the video. Lil Duval makes a comment dissing homeboy’s sexual prowess. Homeboy, now offended, proceeds to show VIDEO FOOTAGE on his cell phone that I bet he filmed unbeknownst to this girl (or maybe she did know, *shrugs* who knows these days, but I bet she did not consent to him showing it around). He also talks about how he poured Nuvo on her. Way to go dude. But this is the type of sexual mentality people have these days. Kids are being busted left and right sexting, but even worse on VIDEO! Everyone is a dang on porn star. We’re out here being SO reckless that we’re doing things have risks far beyond anything most people stop to think about. People running around here talking about “I don’t care what people say about me” well that’s fine and dandy, but I bet you would (at least you should) care if someone was out flashing video footage of you doing unthinkable things. If you don’t care for yourself then you should at least care for your loved ones like your family, your children.

Take the Hofstra disaster for example. That girl consented to 5 men having sex with her. Of course what she didn’t know was that one of the men took his cell phone out and captured it on video. While this cleared their names and ruined hers, I don’t think enough people stopped and really thought about what happened. Everyone was so caught up on the “why do women lie?” and “I’m so happy they got off” that we failed to think….WHO DOES THAT!? I hear that trains and such activities do happen, but five people on one person? I’m not calling anyone names, I don’t get down with that, but in my opinion that act was disgusting on all sides. I do think there is a major problem when 5 men think it’s a great idea to have sex with one woman. I as well think the woman may have some things she needs to work through by having sex with 5 men. But as I type this I think of the stories and rumors that I heard while I was in college (not just on my campus) and I know that if asked about it now, most of those men who have careers and families and such would probably deny it all day long. They know it’s wrong, and they knew it was back then.

But these types of actions are well outside the realm of sex and fetishes to me. TO ME. It only takes a split second for something to go from consensual to non-consensual and we are dealing with a culture of people who don’t do restraint or “blurry” lines very well. I don’t think that “running trains” and such are normal sexual behaviors, but I’m not a professional, that’s just my old stuck up opinion. But this downward spiral is only going to get worse. Clearly in the first case 7-10 people thought it was fine and dandy as they abused that girl. In the Hofstra case, those 5 men thought it was an okay idea to take turns with this girl, and I can’t even imagine what she was thinking. I still wonder exactly how “consensual” it was either way. And in the case of today’s youth, it’s overboard. Everyone is running around talking about “it’s just sex” and hey….if you think so. But I wonder how long it will be before diseases are rampant (oh wait… they already are?) and teenage pregnancy to mothers unprepared is the norm. Then everyone out there having a reckless good time will be older and saying “those dumb kids”.

I wrote this blog out of pure emotion. I do not mean to take away from what happened in the Richmond High School case and dismiss it by writing about it in juxtaposition with the sexual mindset of the world as I see it. Also, I’m not a professional, I’m just speaking through my opinion. Feel free to disagree, but do so respectfully. We run a friendly site over here. LOL


True Life: Will & Grace, I'm straight, he's gay.


Check out Men Sleeping With Men Part I HERE

So the last time we discussed this we talked about the idea of Men who sleep with Men but aren’t gay. The overall consensus was that this is in fact just an attempt for men to try to justify being down low or avoid the actual terms of Gay/Bisexual. However, since writing that and really doing my own research I don’t particularly agree with that. I know that’s a hard pill for many to swallow (myself included), but I do believe that men and women can separate sex from their sexuality. I’m not sure if I put that the right way. Perhaps that’s another post for another day.

This post is different though. It’s a bit cheeky and not so serious, yet something to think about.

It seems that actual gay/bisexual men are not hurting for women still! They are getting married! To women! Women who know! In our previous discussion most women said that they wouldn’t even continue to date a man who admitted to previously having slept with men. So what’s up with these women? Why would a woman marry a man who is admittedly gay and likes men? Here’s an excerpt of what one woman says about being a “Beard”.  She’s a reader of and had this to say:

I began talking to a guy in ATL (go figure) who is in a high power position and has worked close with some of the top dogs in the industry. He is gorgeous and real down to earth. Upon talking to him more and falling for him, we shared some erotic conversations & phone foreplay – it was then that I learned/felt he has some down-low ways in him. Naw, f*ck that, he was gay lol. One would think conversation would have stopped but I kind of felt for him, I was probably the first person in forever who he could completely be himself with.

She goes on to talk about how she pretty much fell for him, and while she did not actually continue that relationship with him, she could have seen herself doing it.  Additionally, Dwight Eubanks from the Real Housewives of ATL is  married!! He’s pretty openly gay & fabulous so *kanye shrug* I don’t get it. Maybe his Fiance is hoping to get a lifetime hook up on a good weave. I suppose she’s in it for the companionship.

I don’t think I could ever feel sorry for a man enough to be with him despite him not actually liking women. I can’t imagine that a Gay man would actually want sympathy over a partner that is equally loving and attentive as he is. I know that there are situations in which Gay men that have yet to make public their sexuality are able to muster arousal enough to have sex with a woman, and perhaps they are still straddling the fence.  However can they happily do this every single night? Hey…no jokes about how straight married couples don’t have sex every night. I will not believe it, I will not!

I know that the commonly held belief is that most Black Women will have slept with at least one man who has had relations with another man in his past, but this is considering that I don’t actually know it. So ladies, could you do it!? Could you date/MARRY a man who is openly (at least with you) gay or bisexual? Are there any Gay or Bisexual men out there who can see this situation working out for you? It is really worth it? Will you and the woman (or you and the man) be miserable later down the line because you pretty much just have a BFF and not a real husband or wife. I mean it could be nice depending on what you want in your marriage. Going back to the Will & Grace reference, I think those two (in TVLand of course) could have actually been happily married.  Yet at the same time,  I just feel like no matter what, denying what you really are and fighting it is never good in the end. Someone will crack. What if you have kids? Do you explain the situation truthfully to the children or do you simply lie to them to avoid confusion when your situation goes against societal norms?

I know this post was mainly about women dating gay men, but would it be different for a man to date or marry a gay woman? Sure stereotypically men go around talking about loving to see two women together and Kanye “would do anything for a blonde dyke” (apparently), but the reality is that most men I talk to would not seriously date a Lesbian. Reason being? She doesn’t like men. The men I know, not the boys, are truly not harnessing some strong desire to try to “switch” a woman.

So what say the people?

Infidelity or Insecurity, which came first?


….The Chicken(head) or the Eg(o)g.- Erykah Badu

This was a really interesting topic that Erykah Badu had posted on Twitter and I told her that I was going to write about it. So here I go.

Often times when it comes to cheating we know that people start to pointing fingers and most times it never involves them pointing the finger at themselves. To be honest, I don’t that’s a good approach anyway. I’ll share why shortly.

Back to the question. Does a person in a relationship cheat because they are dogs and just unable to show restraint? Or do they cheat because they are driven away? Looking at it on the surface for what it is, I guess one could say that it depends on the person. Many men claim that it’s just in their nature and extremely hard not to do so. There’s the whole evolutionary biology theory that to me kind of loses steam these days in that men are able to override their “instincts” to actually prevent *spreading* their goodies around to every flower in the garden. Yet men love to use this as a good excuse to explain their behavior. I know a married man that swears that 9 out of 10 men will cheat, accept it and move on. Women are not absolved of this either. Women can be just as sneaky and scandalous. Truth be told, probably more so, but due to a woman’s ability to actually be covert there are not enough accurate statistics on cheating women. So yes, some people are just selfish, do not value the commitment necessary to be in a successful relationship, and will just cheat because they want to.

On the flip side, many argue that they aren’t the cheating type but that they were just pushed away. I know a guy that says that he was so tired of being accused of doing something that he wasn’t doing that eventually he just did it. The temptations were out there and he finally succumbed because he was already being punished for the crime. Some women will tearfully exclaim that they loved their mates but he was pushing them away. For all that she did for him, he wasn’t communicating with her, he was distant and cold, he just wasn’t there for her. She didn’t want to cheat but someone who understood her just happened to be there. She doesn’t know how they ended up sleeping together. Yes, there is always that “someone” that happens to pop up at just the right time.

I’ll say that in my opinion I think it’s all BS. Plain and simple if you LOVE someone, I mean really love them, you will act like it. That means hanging up your dog collar when the time calls for it, and keeping it 100% honest at all times. If the person that you are dealing with is not supplying all your needs then it is time to bounce. If your bf/gf is constantly accusing you of cheating there is obviously a lack of trust in that relationship and the quality of life that you two have together is faulty. It’s time to go. My issue with cheating is that I believe it can be avoidable. You can avoid being alone with someone that you are uncontrollably attracted to that isn’t your partner. If you feel your relationship is on a decline you can avoid cheating by simply leaving. I promise that leaving will hurt eons less than breaking that person’s heart. I don’t men to beat the topic of cheating to death, but I realize that it’s something that we all deal with, and to be honest it’s my #1 fear of being in a relationship.

So I’ve painted the picture and given my two cents, you tell me. What do you think comes first? Someone’s insecurity or the infidelity. Which do you think happens more often, cheating to be cheating, or cheating because you’ve been forced or allowed?

Is Plies really THAT bad?

Anyone who knows me is probably gasping and clutching their chests at the title of today’s blog post. I’m sure if they were in the process of drinking anything tasty, their computer screens, phones, or whatever is now covered in it. Well to put to rest any fears that I’ve done gone and switched to the dark side, let me answer that question. YES.

Plies is pretty bad.

Plies latest contribution to musical murder is the song Becky. Now it’s not completely new but whereas I used to refer to extremely ditsy women of the melanin-challenged persuasion as Becky’s (and one of my blogger alter egos is actually Becky The Black Blogger) I am no longer able to. Any utterance of the word Becky is now met with some random grunt in the affirmative or some sly grin followed by an attempt at a high five. I’ll give you an example:

Me: Yea* so there was this Becky at the gym last night and..


Me: Stop. Just stop it. Anyways, she was grunting all Venus & Serena like and…

Them: BECKY LIVES!!!!! (Or #BeckyLives for my Tweeps)

Me: *pulls out gun and ends it all*

Right I mean I get it. Men love fellatio. They really really love it. *shrugs* Whatever rocks your boat, I don’t care.  However, when I admit my disgust at this song many men challenge me that it’s not that bad, and in reality Plies is only saying what most men are thinking. *Blink….Blink…* Additionally, I even had one man tell me that Plies is saying what most women want to hear as well. (Where are these wretched “ladies”!?)

I beg to differ.

Real men and women do not think and talk in this manner. If they do, I would more than likely say they are more accurately boys and girls. I honestly, don’t want to have such vile words on my blog, but I just have to post the lyrics to this mess. (Any inaccuracies and spelling errors are the fault of the website).

I’m on this liquor oh so heavy fo we fuck can you neck me. A little head and I am ready I want yo mouth give me that Becky
Keep that pussy I want yo throat front that head fo you go.Wet yo mouth fo you blow, must get Becky fo I bo. You Mz.Becky? Let me know licky licky I love that bro. Head nigga thatz fosho umma lock yo jaws fo I go.
Like pussy love head will pay I got that bread, open yo mouth fo you open yo legs. Man down I am dead. Suck no dick,can’t get in my bed, heard me right thatz what I said. Drop that spit right on that head squeeze that meat and hit that head. ( Chorus)
Tired of pussy I’m retired. Aint fucking her! got too many miles. will put poll rite in her mouth. babbit pussy aint my style fly head make me smile. put this mayonnaise on yo child. gotta be grown to fuck with plies. the longer you suck the longer I wow.
Just got Becky I can’t move I love Becky yes I do. I get Becky I am glued, give me Becky I’ll do you. you don’t do Becky Bye Bye Boo. I love Becky like my jewels. You don’t like Becky you a fool, oughta put Becky on the news. Becky Becky she so cool, i don’t get Becky I can’t sleep I need Becky Fo I beat. Becky Becky marry me.

What? For real? Now I’m not saying that every guy I know is a perfect gentleman but I refuse to believe that in their minds they are looking at their girlfriends (or whatever sexual encounter person) thinking such disgusting things. I do not understand where men get off degrading women in such a way. How is this fulfilling? If you’re having casual sex with a woman please don’t forget that she’s also having casual sex with you. Treating her as a simple whore means that you are one too. I’m not even going to get into the the whole “white women do what black women won’t” issue. But if I were a white woman I’d be like “seriously! WTHarmonicas!?” Like I said, you like oral sex, great! But there HAS to be a better way to say, “Pardon me darling. I know you wish to have intercourse, but in all honesty and excuse me for being frank, I would just prefer some good old fashioned fellatio. It’s just that you do it so well that I’d actually like to offer a proposal of marriage.” See.. I just did it. LOL

And if you are sexing down a female with “too many miles” and that bothers you to the point that you would rather only allow her to orally adorn you, then all I can say to that is… Kill Yo’ Self.

I digress.

But is it true? Are there people out there that I would typically respect in daily life that actually THINK this way, but are just afraid to say it? Now I unfortunately have friends who enjoy this song, but I refuse to believe that this how they would prefer to talk to women. My biggest issue with Plies is that he’s smart. He knows that ignorance sells and he turns his ignorance WAY up. Most people by this point know that he’s a great actor and his persona is just a front, but surprisingly, no one cares. People still love the illusion. At the end of the day it’s almost as if Plies is mocking his listeners. It’s like he’s thinking, “Even *I* don’t believe this crap I’m spitting, but you dumb goons just eat it up while I make millions. This is great!”

Let me apologize again, I don’t mean to call the Plies fans dumb goons actually I really do, because like I said, I happen to know a few and love them dearly. Yet and still they KNOW not to come at me with this Plies b/s. I think I would be slightly less mad at him if he just really didn’t know any better. But he does. Therefore I will add him to the list of musicians that I’m rallying the Secret Order To Bring Back Good Music to kidnap.

This cannot continue. Who’s with me!?

Smashing the homies…

I hate to use that title for a blog post, but I’m sure most people were like “hmmmm” so there it is. LOL I sold out. Anyways, I was having a conversation with a friend online as it’s so nice to finally be able to do so and they brought up the age old topic of dating within a certain circle. Now I’ve actually talked to several friends about this as the intricacies of dating that were previously over my head seem to constantly be the talk to the town. My mode of thinking was always a bit more simple. Since moving to the “Big City” I’ve found out that it’s never EVER simple.

Either way, I digress. As my friend and I talked I was told that perhaps I should write about this and see what my readers thought. So here I am, I’ll give it a try.

We’ve beaten the horse to a sad pulp over the ways that men think in regards to the ladies they choose to love down, so I don’t want to keep reviving the poor fellow just to shoot him down again. (Back away PETA!) But for background’s sake let’s revisit for a second. *Some* men are territorial and the idea that someone has been where they are trying to go is a tough one to swallow. For some men, this becomes impossible when you add to the fire that perhaps one of your friends was one that beat you to the punch. I understand this, although men don’t seem to care how a woman may feel knowing that he’s slept with several women she knows. Another double standard? Ahhhh I digress.

So what I started to get into with my friend was are there situations in which men are able to look beyond this? I know that some women that I’ve spoken to have employed a bit of a rubric when determining if the man in still datable. I asked does it depends on context? Relationship between you and the friend of Sexy-time past? Who’s virtue in the matrix are you protecting? Your friend, your lady, or yourself?  This is where the differences became apparent.

One of my friends was on a “now way no how” stance. It wasn’t because of a “code” that he had with his male friends, it was simply his pride. He could not imagine being with the woman and wondering if she was comparing. Now I replied that if that was his concern, then it had very little to do with her. He had some things to work on with himself first. LOL. He also said that it would just kill him the thoughts that his friend COULD have when seeing him and the girl out. Again, I believe we’re far too concerned with potential thoughts and what people THINK. If dude was so rude as to say something disrespectful out of his mouth, then I’d question his friendship and keep it moving. In his case, he was protecting his own virtue. I understand.

Another one of my friends was a bit more benevolent. He said it really depended on context. He recognized that where he lives the dating pool is small, so to expect everyone to find that perfect somebody on round one was a bit ridiculous. He noted that there’s a difference between getting it in with every Tom, Dick, and Harry (giggle) that crossed your path, and being involved with people that it just didn’t work out with. Granted the goal should be to still lesson the frequency of the latter, one can understand that it happens. Additionally, he added that the major point to all of it is honesty. Don’t think that just because your past indiscretions haven’t been put on blast yet, that they won’t ever be. Better it come from you, upfront and honest than to have him be caught off guard.

I’ve always had this thing that if I have broken up with someone then they were fair game for anyone. I try to leave my past in the past. I’ve only had a problem with being able to do that once, and I’ve since come to the point where I wouldn’t mind even then. Just because it didn’t work out with me doesn’t mean it wouldn’t work out with someone else, that someone else could be my homegirl. I’m not in the business of blocking. LOL I know it’s difficult to swallow pride but I think that we too often let it get in the way.

With all of that said, in respect to “The Code” things have to be handled with care. If someone else is not cool with you dating their ex or someone they once looked at adoringly then it’s up to you to determine how much you truly value that relationship. Again, I’ve not seen this be a major issue for men, men seem to be quick to break the “code”. Women are too, but they have a bit of a moral struggle with it at least. LOL

I don’t know. It’s pretty early in the morning so I could be all over the place and way off the mark. What do my readers say? I go by a happiness code. Try to do the things that make you happy, while avoiding making others sad. This doesn’t always work, but one can at least try. But before you sacrifice your happiness for someone else’s do question if they would do the same for you. Date on! 🙂

Guest Post: An "Untitled Sex Post"

I’m telling you. You want to take the time to read this. 🙂 A dear eFriend of mine is well versed in the world of sexuality. I mean, the girl is a genius, and then she knows a lot about sex. Not just where you put it, how you put it, but the real metrics behind the deed. I asked her to write for me because I wanted to spice things up. Can’t always have people with the same thoughts as you in your circle. I introduce my eFriend: Rooks- Her “Untitled Sex Post”


I’m a little obsessed with discrediting sexual myths, where “a little” = “a metric fuckload,” so when JG* asked me to stop by onefourthrandom and give some perspective on the bennies of sex and sexual health in general, I was entirely honored.  Thanks, sweetie!  She even said I could disagree with her ‘n’ stuff, and as such I’d like to start roughly where “Can we break the double standard?” left off, and we’ll see if she lets me come back to play.

So, and I realize I’m totally bucking conventional wisdom here, but I’m gonna go way the hell out on this limb and say that there’s nothing, not a thing, inherently wrong with having a large number of sex partners, no matter your sex/gender, provided everyone’s being as safe as possible (protected and tested frequently) and respectful of all involved parties.  There’s no secret rule about how many or how few sexual partners one should have, just like there’s no secret amount of sexual activity people should or shouldn’t have. Whether you’re the next Sister Delores or a diehard member Freak of the Week fanclub, so long as you’re happy, consensual and safe, I say, “Do you.”  Clearly, this doesn’t mean that everyone has to go get their Energizer Bunny on; I fully understand if folks’ religious convictions or personal preferences keep their sexual partners few or far between.  There’s a big difference, however, between individual choice and the commonly accepted assumptions undergirding “The Number” debate.

Now, back in the day (like 1800s, not like Erykah or Missy or even Ahmad,

many subscribed to the notion that an excess of sexual activity was bad for people.  Not just morally.  Physically.  This shift in how sexual activity was socially stigmatized coincided with science’s rise to authority over religion in regards to most sexual matters, a shift that, all evidence to the contrary, we’re still reacting to today.  Don’t believe me?  If you woke up tomorrow with a sexual problem (not infidelity), who’d be your go-to source for advice:

a) a medical doctor or therapist
b) an advice column or the internet
c) a friend who knows a lot about sex
d) your pastor/priest/imam?

Mmhmm, exactly.  That’s not a commentary on anyone’s religious practices – it just typifies the change in perceived sexual authority that’s happened over the last hundred plus years.  And yes, I say all this despite the fact that there are a number of churches with quality (and not so quality) sex-ed programs, not to mention numerous sex manuals with a religious or spiritual focus; however, barring the confessional (and apparently C Street ( ) ), the church has, for the most part, taken the backseat as a source for sexual info.

Why is this relevant?  Because many prominent 19th century doctors and scientists, early sexologists like William Acton or Richard von Krafft-Ebing, pioneers of their time regardless of their (flawed) views, disseminated a reading of sex that yet permeates American culture, one that incorporated religious morality into scientific dogma, problematizing sexual issues by providing “scientific” reasoning based on Industrial Revolution ideas, right down to the sexual individual being likened to a machine or the capitalist economy.  Seriously – robber barons and cotton gins, all up in your undies.

Yes, I swear, it’s really this deep.

The Sex Machine analogy essentially stated that your body is a machine, and machines have limited energy input and output, therefore any energy going towards sex, be that alone or with partner(s), is being diverted from some other activity, and will therefore negatively impact your mental and physical functioning, up to and including reproduction.  Sexual Economy, on the other hand, relied on the fact that “in industrial production-oriented capitalism, saving and investment were highly desirable” so one wanted to save one’s sexual energy (as opposed to “spending,” which was – and still is, at least in romance novels – a synonym for getting one’s rocks off) and “reinvest” it in other facets of your life, lest you be forced to confront “scarcity and ruin.”  Since there was no such thing as a sexual bail out, at best, according to these guys and others, “excess” sex could simply put you off your game, but it might also kill you and cripple your children.  Youch.  Krafft-Ebing felt that sexual “perversions” were the nigh-on incurable result of “weak” nervous systems, and that those weak nervous systems were probably the hereditary result of bad breeding (y’all know what that’s code for) or possibly just your pervy-ass forebears’ overindulgence of their own . . . perversions.  (Krafft-Ebing was seriously hung up on the word perversion, but since he did coin this particular usage, we can probably let the man slide.) William Acton went so far as to hypothesize that women’s sexual proclivities were based on economic class – does anything about this sound kinda familiar?:

“I should say that the majority of women (happily for them) are not very much troubled with sexual feeling of any kind. […] I admit, of course, the existence of sexual excitement terminating even in nymphomania, a form of insanity which those accustomed to visit lunatic asylums must be fully conversant with; but, with these sad exceptions, there can be no doubt that sexual feeling in the female is in the majority of cases in abeyance…and even if roused (which in many instances it never can be) is very moderate compared with that of the male […] Young men form their ideas of women’s feelings from what they notice early in life among loose or, at least, low and vulgar women…(but) the best mothers, wives, and managers of households, know little or nothing of sexual indulgences.  Love of home, children, and domestic duties, are the only passions they feel.” – William Acton

Dude said that mess in 1857 – GTFOH, Willy.  You’ve done enough damage.  (Unsurprisingly, ethnic and racial minorities of the day, as well as anyone who had the nerve to be poor, were those most often targeted as “vulgar” – much of the particular stigmatization of Black sexuality would come to the fore in the US a bit later historically, during and after Reconstruction, in what many historians think was a reaction to emancipation.)  It didn’t help matters that these dudes (the early sexologists were basically all dudes, writers like Ida Craddock, Margaret Sanger and Marie Carmichael Stopes notwithstanding) were bestselling authors to boot – sex sells, even in Victorian America.  As such, and despite the fact that much of our society has abandoned the more blatantly wackadoodle aspects of this and other old-timey views on sex, it’s unsurprising that some variation on the “too much” sexual activity stigma persists to this day, especially for women.

As it happens, they were wrong as hell.

Beyond the obvious question (“Doesn’t practice make, if not perfect, potentially somewhat better?”), and despite problems securing research funding and huge disparities in the amount of sex research on men as opposed to women (there’re roughly between two-three publications about men for each one focusing on women), apparently more and more scientific studies are popping up that demonstrate that sex, and even more notably orgasm, is actually physically good for you.  No lie.  This isn’t exactly a new idea – doctors used to manually masturbate women to what we would recognize as orgasm as a cure for “hysteria” (or “wandering womb”) before the medical community invented the vibrator to save time.  (Have you ever seen a steam-powered vibrator? Amazing.)  Now, again with the disclaimer: any health benefits conferred via fucking might well be negated by any infections transmitted via fucking, so please keep it covered.  Further, in some few of these studies, masturbation counts as sexual activity, so no partner(s) necessarily required, unless that’s your bag.

See, the early sexologists had it all messed up from jump – the “overall best predictor” of how much sex you’ll have towards the end of your life, research now suggests, is how much you have in the middle (say your 40s, roughly).  Despite a natural ebb of sexual interest or response some people experience as they get up there in years and hormone levels shift or nearly drop off entirely, regular sexual activity (including all by your lonesome) is, as it happens, a renewable resource – our bodies aren’t machines with a fixed output or complex economic systems. We use it or we lose it.  Hell, sexual activity might even keep you alive – one study (of men) in the U.K. found an inverse relationship between orgasm frequency and likelihood of death.  Yep, the more frequently study participants got theirs (frequent was 2x or more orgasms per week), the less likely they were to die, to the tune of 50% less likely to croak (no, I’m really not kidding) than study participants who only got off once a month, even controlling for major factors like age, class or smoking.

But maybe going out itself doesn’t worry you so much as how you go out?  S’ok, you can still benefit from getting busy.  (Ok, ok, in fairness, bear in mind the notable exception of the incredibly small percentage of people who have heart attacks in the sack – despite how frequently it seems to happen to politicians in movies, some researchers suggest that the odds of sex triggering heart attack are about one in a million for your average healthy individual, though, interestingly enough, the odds aren’t quite as good if you’re cheating.  Extra stress, maybe?) Here’s a quick rundown on numerous studies of some of the less-obvious potential side-effects of your sex life:

Your heart <3’s good sex –  Sexual dissatisfaction in women had a significant correlation to history of heart attack (female only study), while DHEA, a hormone produced at orgasm, has been linked to a reduction of risk for heart disease (male only study).

On the other hand, cancer thinks good sex blows –  DHEA and oxytocin, another hormone released during arousal and orgasm, are thought to be linked to a reduction in risk of cancer in both men and women.  Frequency of orgasm has an inverse relationship with the occurrence of prostate cancer and breast cancer in men (yeah, it happens).

Sex helps reproduction . . . ok, besides the obvious –  Women who have more sexual activity (even sex without orgasm or orgasm without sex) during menstruation were less likely to have endometriosis; women who have more sexual activity (again, even sex without orgasm or orgasm without sex) during pregnancy are more likely to carry their babies to term.  There’s also quite a bit of debate as to whether female orgasm boosts fertility via a phenomenon called “upsuck”; it’s not as offputting as it sounds . . . well, maybe it’s exactly as offputting as it sounds.  (Contrary to popular opinion, and though orgasm might aid fertility, the human orgasm isn’t actually necessary for reproduction – the male orgasm isn’t physiologically reliant on ejaculation or vice versa.)

Other Cool Stuff –  Orgasm and sexual activity can (though they don’t always) help people sleep, provide pain relief (think cramps, headaches/migraines), and reduce stress.  Of course, this means that, if you’re trying to avoid sexual activity, you should probably stop using these problems as an excuse not to do the Do.

I mean seriously, do you wanna side with your heart or cancer?  Rather than worrying about some mystical, magical number, it’s way more important for folks to have (or not have) as much consensual safer sex as keeps them happy and satisfied, whether they fly solo or with a co-pilot (or with a full flight crew plus baggage handlers – I won’t hate).  Forget breaking the double standard – there’s a reason there’s no consensus on what number is too high. No such number exits.  Outside religious dictates, no right number exists.  Why?  Because there’s no real all-encompassing reason women should have less sex and/or men should have more, same as there’s nothing that dictates that women should have more sex and/or men should have less.  Simply put, the standard is fake.  There is no spoon.  Emperor?  Nekkid.

One way to break the cycle is by being less nosy – yeah, I said it – as well as less judgmental of both ourselves and others.  As long as someone has been tested and is using protection, a number is functionally useless anyway, at most a fun piece of your sexual trivia you can pull out during a rousing game of “Never Have I Ever.”  It’s like in Clerks

– if someone says, “I’ve had sex with 10 people,” what does that even mean?  Does it include oral? Anal? The nebulous sexual no-man’s land known only as “third base”?  What about batting for another team?  Or batting for all the teams?  Was this person a virgin last week, or is this more like one sexual partner per year? The Number is essentially meaningless; without context, standing alone, it doesn’t actually say much of anything.  So screw it (or, you know, forget it, if you’re not that type of person).  Just have the (safer, consensual) sex life you want to have, no ifs, ands, or numbers about it.

Want more info? Check out:
The Science of Orgasm – Komisaruk, Beyer-Flores, Whipple
Bonk – Mary Roach
Nymphomania, A History – Carol Groneman
Psychopathia Sexualis – Richard von Krafft-Ebing
The Functions and Diseases of the Reproductive Organs – William Acton

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