Sexy Spectacular meet Stephon Marbury

*cue Cosby show theme song* CHALLONNNNGEEEEE!!! To those of you who for some strange reason missed out on your childhood….

Anyways, it seems like Stephon Marbury may be going through some things. Now I do nor purport to know his background in life, I hear his Father passed away last year and that is enough to drive a grown man crazy. So I can’t blame the man if he’s going through some things. However this is truly a case of “needing more people” © Jay Z. Where are his handlers? Where are the people that he pays the big bucks that are supposed to make sure he doesn’t self-destruct? I think in his case it’s beyond image control, this man might be a few screws loose. He’s certainly missing the entire small fry in the Happy Meal. There are so many videos I don’t know where to start. Apparently dude is on ustreem as if he’s being paid the same amount as his last NBA contract!

Let’s start with Stephon Marbury’s obvious homage to Sexy Spectacular. I don’t know what song he’s really dancing too, but it can’t be much better.

Now, at first I wasn’t going to jump on the *Boondocks voice* “N**** YOU GAY!” train just because there was a man dancing on top of a table or something half naked. There’s really nothing gay about that, and I wish we’d stop labeling everything that we find strange as gay (who ‘nother topic). However I was certainly confused as I was watching it. Confused and mildly nauseous. At one point he holds up the two-fingered V and licks disgustingly implying the sexual act of cunnilingus. Following that move, he then holds up his index finger and slowly licks his way up…..*pause for a moment to reflect*….disgustingly implying the sexual act of FELLATIO. And for that…. I must say…. that makes it gay. Po’Thang. His moves were nowhere near as awesome as our dear Sexy Spec but it was worth a try. I put Starbury somewhere in between Sexy Spec’s second video and Tila Tequila’s fail of a video.

Ugh… there’s more though.

Then there’s this video.

Now it almost looks like he was watching some “Juicyfruit” porn at first, then switched to some good ole Gospel including one of the greats R. Kelly *rolls eyes*. Perhaps he was feeling bad about his porn watching so he then completely breaks down into a bucket of tears. Now again, having lost someone very close to me before I KNOW what it’s like to randomly break out into tears. What I wouldn’t do though is capture it all on Ustreem. Po’Thang!

Now this next video I can’t really be mad at. As a black islander I’ve heard/seen/done some crazy things all in the name of a good home remedy.

Everyone pretty much flipped out over this, and yea* it is pretty strange. But this is probably the most normal video he’s done. What freaked me out was the gratuitous screaming of “CUT DA CHECK!” with the Vaseline jar on his shoulder. That was just weird. Him eating it? Sounds like something my mama would tell me.

However, in true clowning fashion I have a list of things to blame for Stephon Marbury’s jump off the deep end.

  1. Pretty Ricky. All of them. Especially Pleasure P. I have a feeling he’s masterminding this all.
  2. Shag Carpeting. What’s really the deal with that stuff?
  3. Tattoos. I think the ink does something to people.
  4. The WNBA
  5. People who name their children “fancied” up version of other names.
  6. The number 4.
  7. Rainy Days
  8. YOU.

Who is with me though to start the “Help Stephon Marbury Pick Up The Pieces” fund?

Tila Tequila: Epic Fail. No more alcohol please.

Lord… why hast thou forsaken us? The end of days is near and you are reigning plauges upon us. The enemy is approaching! The rapture is here! Take me Lord Take me!! What hast thou servant done to deserve the hell that thou has placed upon my soul? Why Heavenly Father have thou allowed YouTube to continue to exist for Satan to exercise his will on Earth? Most High, where was thou when Sexy Spec desecrated one of thou’s precious ornaments, The Church Folding Chair? King of Kings, did my prayers go unnoticed when I begged on bended knee for the enemy to GET BACK? Ohhhhh my Alpha and Omega, was it not enough that my eyes were blinded and my heart was burdened TWICE that thou would allow Satan to RISE UP and manifest himself once again in this:

Heavenly Father, I come to you ONCE AGAIN, weak and weary. Please! Please carry me through this battle Father for I cannot stand alone. The Devil IS a liar and I shall not give in to his will. Oh Father! Please keep me so that I will not feel the need to create one of these atrocious videos of me, gyrating and grinding my body in a way that is UNACCEPTABLE in your sight. Cover me Father so that the next time I am tempted to click any link that references such activity I will see the light and know the truth and stay away from such temptations.

(As a Christian, and one who is actually a participating follower of Christ, I believe God has a sense of humor. Please don’t be offended.)

*gets up off the Altar after an intense prayer. Closes my Bible and walks back out to the Twitterverse*

What in the name of sexual confusion is going on!? The ambiguously gay duo of Sexy Spec and Lingerie clearly wasn’t enough to convince us that YouTube was evil. Now Tila Tequila who went from MySpace whore, to MTV Whore, to Twhore is adding to the flames (no pun) with her own sexually confused call to grind off. She was challenging Sexy Spec yet calling out other women who surely will never see the video, hear about the video, and probably don’t even know who the heck Tila Tequila is. Well let’s at least hope not. I’m not sure who she was dancing for.

I did it for you guys. I honestly sat there and watched most of the painful video so that I could come back and tell you all how I felt. I was in a bit of a blog slump because my mind is racing in excitement for other things and this put me right in the mood. Let me say that I expected better. For someone with her background that is so good at twisting her legs and body in several positions I really thought that she would bring it. Instead she did some pretty scary close-ups, danced a little off beat, and stumbled through a a few spoken parts in which I’m sure she did over and over again. “Ugh! I hate the way my voice sounded on that part. Ahhhhh Why did I pause there? Etc, etc, etc,”

Her musical selection really frightened me something serious! Genuwine? Pony? Oh… that took me back to 6th grade. I was almost cringing when the “cccchhhhhiiillllls up and down my spine” part was about to come up. I didn’t know what she was going to do. Random body vibrations? More shots of her bony back? And ACTUAL vibrator? I didn’t know. Matter of fact, my eyes were closed, I still don’t know.

Tila has very little body. I mean granted I appreciate more because I have more, but this chick has nothing. When she turned to the side, it was if her back connected straight to her thighs. Pretty funny considering that in her Twitter profile background she’s poking out what must be a cropped on backside. Minus the boobs, I actually think that her and Sexy Spec have the same body. Two smedium, yellow, sexually ambiguous, struggling for fame individuals…. hmmm. Methinks they are the same person.

*****NEWSFLASH****


Tila Tequila is the DRAG version of Sexy Spec!!!! Holy Crap! How have we been so blind!? He’s good…. Real good.

*light comes on*

Nooooooow I get it.

For THIS I blame:

  • Vietnam
  • Additionally, the VietCong
  • Blonde Hair Dye
  • Hotel Bathrooms
  • Beezlebub
  • PANDA bears
  • Baby Wipes
  • Twitter
  • Discrete Mathmatics

Sexy Spec is back at it!!

*****BREAKING NEWS!!!

HIDE YOUR

DAUGHTERS AND

QUESTIONING SONS!!****

Sexy SPECTACULAR (his birth name) is back and he’s letting all of us haters know that THIS IS NOT A GAME SON!

In his newest video he addresses all concerns that stemmed from the first video. He lets all the men know that if they watched it, THEY are gay, and to the ladies who didn’t like his mother’s panties, he’s got something for us too. He’s back with the black boxer briefs! The word SMEDIUM doesn’t even begin to describe it.

Again, I ask, WHO THE HELL IS LINGERIE AND WHY IS THAT HIS NAME? Why?! Is that the name you picked out of the hat? Come on Pretty Ricky.

Then I ponder, WHO IS TAPING THIS BAFOONERY!? The first video was clearly a self-made attempt, but this!? I bet it was Lingerie. Or maybe Edible Panties, or Ben-Wa Balls, or some other unfortunately named member of Pretty Ricky.

Where to start!? Staring at the camera while flexing your Man-tits truly made my heart hurt for the “man” who was taping this, and for the tattoo artist that had to ink you.

So basically you slid around and humped the freaking floor in your church socks and boxer briefs. You made hard, intense love to that chair. I mean you really made that chair your bitch. I am SCARED of you boo! From now on I will watch my alcohol intake at the club because Lord KNOWS what will happen to me if I get tipsy and some high yellow freak wants to prove that he’s not Gay (just DL). I’d hate to see you at a family reunion. All those folding chairs for you to molest. SOMEONE! THINK ABOUT THE CHAIRS!

But to add insult to injury,

HOW YOU JUST GOING TO DO AN ENTIRE STRIKERS ROUTINE AND NOT GIVE CREDIT!? I mean at least they have an audience and some sort of sexiness to themselves. And what was with the random gymnastics you were doing? Who wants all that in the bedroom? By the time you are done flipping around I’d be done left $6.37 on the table, the number to a psychologist, and be halfway home. You are the kind of guy I’d take out for a seafood dinner and never call again. Where are you filming this crap? Does your mother know that you move her pillar and plants out of the hallway to do your Nasty McNastiness? I sure hope you clean up the scuff marks.

S.M.H.!

I allowed my eyes to bleed until the entire video was done and how can this guy call anyone a B**** A** N**** after what he just finished doing while Keith Sweat’s “Nobody” is playing in the background. GTFOH!!!!

Spectacular, one doesn’t have to watch this to know that it is unsuitable for humanity. I took that L for the team and now I am spreading the good word.

And Now I Blame:

  • @TORIANBEAN14 on Twitter for incensing this fool. LOL
  • Wood Flooring
  • Folding Chairs
  • The sense of sight
  • Mr. Rogers
  • Tila Tequila

What is wrong with society?

Let me get a list of things off my chest that have pretty much given this week a big gigantic question mark.

So earlier this week we were faced with the downside of being “Tipsy” in the club and that was a mess all in itself. I mean I can’t say enough about that disaster of a career move. Sexy Spectacular later went on Radio shows to back up his video and called all the men who watched it gay. I’m pretty sure Mr. Spectacular, that most men did not have to watch it to understand the gaydom behind it. Not to mention, if they were gay, having a bunch of gay men watching you grind doesn’t particularly help your case. Now it wasn’t gay because he was grinding in his mother’s panties. It was gay because he pleaded with other men to send him videos of themselves doing the same. Gay indeed. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

But there is plenty wrong with what he turned around and did in that poor lonely hallway.

Well it seems as though the whole incident didn’t really go the way that Sexy Spec had hoped it would. He was blasted and scorned all over the internet (1/4 Random didn’t miss the chance either) and Twitter got the best of him.

In response to a twitterling calling him a Gay Fish he replied:

picture-41

I mean whatever dude. You didn’t lose a single MySpace or BlackPlanet fan I’m sure.

Moving on:

So it seems that Octo-mom isn’t the only one out to make the US a Superpower again using the art of reproduction. Desmond Hatchett truly takes the cake!

desmond-hatchett

Oh Bless his soul! This man is 29 years old and has 21 children. That we know of. Get OUT of here! He was on the court docket 11 times in one day for 15 of his children. His women get a little under $2 a month from him in Child Support after it’s been garnished and divided up. He claims he’s done and that he really didn’t want all of those children, “It Just Happened.” Understatement of the freakin’ year. He had a point though about the ladies that he’s impregnanting with his Post-Armaggedon Army. They know what they are getting into. It’s a bit hard for this guy to hide the 20 other children he has. Not to mention that among the 11 Mothers, some of them had to be repeat offenders. So to those women I have to say “You can’t be mad!” That and, “Have you ever heard of birth control? Condoms? Staying away from dudes who can get you pregnant just by sitting on the bus next to them?” I seriously just don’t get it.

I was having a conversation with a friend and he said he was wondering if he was becoming a hot commodity because he was a college educated man with no children. I told him that I don’t know about the hot commodity thing, and not to mention that everyone I know in our age group with children are all college educated. However, I did have to agree that more and more of the people I meet (men and women) have children. Now 25+ and beyond years ago, this was not a big deal. Clearly it still isn’t, however, I think it startles people because so many of our peers have children yet aren’t married and aren’t planning to be any time soon. He was asking if he should settle his mind on the possibility that no matter how hard the tries he’s going to end up “stepdaddy”. I honestly did not have an answer. It seems highly possible especially when you see guys like this dude who are hell bent on starting their own rainbow coalition.

Either way, next question mark of the week:

r430441313

Kayne West.. the guy who he himself has said that he doesn’t do books, is writing a book. From the sound of it, it will big a thing with pages, pretty pictures, and huge letters strung together to make words and maybe a sentence or two. Almost like a children’s book. The title? “Thank You And You’re Welcome” Yes.. that’s right. Thank you for buying this piece of crap and eating up everything I do, even down to my shag-fro and friend with the leopard tights, and your welcome that I am so awesome that I can get away with it.

From his own mouth:

“This is a collection of thoughts and theories” and I’m paraphrasing right now, “I get paraphrased and misquoted all the time.”

He also has said the following about books:

“Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed,” West said. “I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph.”

I mean, imagine that! Someone writes a novel… and it has WORDS! Also, “so self-absorbed”? Pot… please meet Kettle. Kiss it, hug it, and love it. Books are clearly trash because Kanye West does not deem them awesome enough to desire their autographs (because asking the author for an autograph and admiring their work and creativity is only reserved for people like Kanye) Only things that one would pay good money for are important. Wait.. I hear books can be quite expensive! What’s that? Oh…. not if you get them on Amazon? Oh yes… Right. I wonder how much a K. Yeezy autograph is going these days. I’d pay BIG money for his book if he signed it “Gay Fish.”

I have to also end my Kanye rants with, “I Love Kanye. I really do. But he’s a hot ass mess, and my support of him is practially gone.” It’s true people.

I…. think that’s all for this week. It’s Thursday and has been a short work week, so I may have a whole new list of “WTH” moments by tomorrow.

SMH!