When The Hood Life Gets…Hood

So clearly most of my readers should know by now that I was out of commission for a minute there due to my home being broken into. Well I’m back. It feels good. Walking into the Apple Store was like a rush of cocaine through my system. It felt like that same feeling that you get when you bite into a piping hot piece of Popeye’s Chicken, or those IKEA meatballs. Either way, since having my last BabyCakesMac stolen from me I vowed that the only way this one was getting by me is if it is torn from my cold dead hands. Not happenin. This whole thing has forced me to really reevaluate some things.

Let’s start with where I live. I live in what is commonly known as the roughest part of ATL, Ge-aw-jah! I don’t even mind telling you because I am sure that you will NOT come into my neighborhood to stalk and kill me. It isn’t worth all that. I live in Bankhead, previously home to T.I. and Jeezy. And honestly, I once saw a house with a Jeezy billboard in the front yard. I mean a real billboard. It was strange. I live in Bankhead because a friend of mine bought a beautiful house there and had a room to rent for cheap. I made it happen. Now I have never lived in or near the hood, so I was a bit like a naive kid. Like “oooooh this is like the movie ATL! Yey!” or I felt like this gave me my black card for life. Well if that’s the case, you can take it and have it. This aint for me.

Now I have lots of respect for the people in my neighborhood. I’ve talked to my neighbors and tried to be embracing and not terrified. I try not to run from my car to the front door when I get home late at night, and I try not to side eye every crackhead or thug who tries to holla at me while I’m at the mailbox. I’m super friendly, conversational, and I’ve even chilled on my front porch like on the movie Friday. All this to no avail.

After a very much enjoyed bachelor’s party at my house last weekend, it seemed the goons were on alert. They saw all the fly cars parked outside my house, probably saw the strippers arrive, and probably FELT as though there was money in the house. Wrong. The next day in broad daylight they hit us, and they hit us hard. I’m sure the whole neighborhood knows who did it, more than likely saw them do it, but you know the rules. Snitches Get Stitches. This is why I’m not made for the hood. F stitches, I wanna know who has my stuff!

That’s the next thing I learned. I have a strange attachment to my electronics. Now mind you I wasn’t overly depressed when I realized some of my most prized possessions were gone. I instantly recognized that those things could simply be replaced, no problem. However, what I wasn’t prepared for was the boredom, longing, and delirium that followed. It was like my whole life fell apart. I had to download a million apps for my phone so I wouldn’t be too far out of the loop. I had to exchange cooking for people to let me watch True Blood at their house. I couldn’t update my blog. I couldn’t tweet while certain events were happening. I was lost. This in itself is a problem, but since replacing my computer, I’ve driven the obsession deeper. It was really painful. I had to get Lo-Jack for my computer!

While I’m not much of a T.V. watcher, not being able to go to sleep to Will & Grace and Frasier every night is leading to me having some really weird apocalyptic dreams and things. It’s just not the same. My iPod is gone, how will I go running? I went to do laundry the other day and the $1.50 in quarters they got me for was really missed. I felt a complete feeling of despair.

This is when the Hood Life gets Hood. I feel like a lot of today’s youth watches BET and these videos that glorify the hood life and they feel like they want that. I know I have a young cousin who is a majorly spoiled brat who insists on being nothing but “hood”. Yea* because hood kids get fairly new cars and trips out of the country. The truth is it’s nothing to desire. There are people who are fighting daily to get out the hood while T.V. mocks their struggle and people make a few bucks off of it. Please believe that T.I.’s club may be in Bankhead, but he is not. Despite the feeling of having been violated, and now wanting to side-eye every person I come in contact with daily, I’ve actually decided to think of ways that I can sincerely reach out to my new community. Granted, I miss my condo, and I may have to get some protection, this may be an even bigger lesson in the process of being taught. Clearly whoever stole our things felt it was something they HAD to do. It was extremely well orchestrated. I almost wish I could find them, sit them down, and show them how they can use my Mac to make dirty videos learn more about the world and not just make hot beats. While I’m still pretty upset about what happened, I’m trying to focus that energy more on the positive impact I can make on my street from here on out. Maybe if I had done that first, none of this would have happened. They say all things happen for a reason.

But now that I’m back online, expect it to get good. Real good. Thanks for holding on with me!

BET!!!! Why do you hurt me so?

I hate BET. I don’t have enough space, time, or red bull to explain in total why I hate BET. But if you really want to see me rant, just leave me a comment, and I’ll get my mind right for it. I haven’t actually watched this channel in years. I’m so grateful for that.

Yesterday via Twitter a dear friend of mine (or not, since he sent me this mess and IMPLORED me to discuss) sent me the link to the BET Awards Nominees. At first I said I wasn’t going to look, but then I did, and I wept. First of all, I am desparately sad at the state of Black Music these days. It’s horrid. I realize that this is my stuck up opinion and that hey, everybody aint into what I’m into. That’s fine, but that just means that you suck. LOL. Now I am not above liking a F**kery song here and there. Here’s proof:

picture-2

Before I get down into it, let me apologize to 80% of my friends. I’m sorry. I know you like The Dream, Ryan Leslie, Keri Hilson, etc. I still love you, and hope that you will still love me after this is said and done.

*clears throat*

On to the nominees. I’ll only cover the ones I really have a comment on.

Best Male R&B Artist: The Dream, Ryan Leslie, T-Pain, Ne-yo, Jamie Foxx.

Just kill me now. You know that we’re in a recession when The Dream & T-Pain are listed as R&B Artists. This baffles me. That’s singing? I feel this insults all men out there who are truly gifted and struggling to make it in the world of Autotunes. I don’t want anyone to win because this is an epic fail. I hope that this category randomly bursts into flames and never makes it to award night.

Best Female R&B Artist: Beyonce, Jennifer Hudson, Jasmine Sullivan, Keri Hilson, Keyshia Cole.

I mean I guess this is okay. This is about as good as it’s going to get thanks to NeoSoul being a different genre. I just can’t wait to see the Bey/JHud showdown. Clearly Bey will win it though because Gay men refuse to let Single Ladies die.

Best Group: Day 26, GS Boys, N.E.R.D., The Roots, Three 6 Mafia.

Here’s where I really want to go Incredible Hulk on the entire BET nominating committee, BET in general, 106 & Park, people whose initials spell BET, and the gambling industry for calling it “placing a BET”. Are you serious!? You would put The Roots and N.E.R.D. beside the GS BOYS??!?! I don’t even know who they are! I had to google it to find out they are responsible for the STANKY LEG! I’m not so out of touch that I didn’t know what that was. I hate hate hate BET. I don’t even know what Three 6 Mafia did last year. Someone, fill me in? Screw this category. Again, I hope it bursts into flames. I love me some N.E.R.D. and The Roots. They don’t deserve this mockery.

Best Collaboration: Jamie/T-Pain “Blame It”, Keri/Weezy “Turnin Me On”, Jim Jones/Ron Browns/Juelz “Pop Champagne”, T.I./Naked Lifetime Special “Live Your Life”, Young LA/Young Dro/T.I. “Aint I”

This should be… Best clusterf***.  Or Best Club joint. I’m just happy this year that the whole category is not just alternating between Weezy & T-Pain. I swear one award show I saw was like So&So/Weezy, So&So/T-Pain, So&So/Weezy, So&So/T-Pain, Weezy/T-pain. Who cares who wins.

Best Female Hip Hop Artist: Lil Mama, M.I.A., Trina

WTHoly Ham & Cheese Batman? Lil Mama? She’s still doing music? I thought she was a judge on a show in which she has no expertise? I’m so lost right now. I bet M.I.A. will feel real salty if she doesn’t win. (At least she should) I’m a FLA girl so of course I like Trina.. but not enough to give her a freaking award for teaching us how to look back at it. Stop the madness.

Best New Artist: Kid Cudi, Jasmine Sullivan, M.I.A., Ryan Leslie, Keri Hilson.

I support this category because no matter how much I can’t stand the artist, I respect them hustlin’ for that money, and I’m all about them getting props. I’m just sad that MY fave new artists never get love. That’s probably because they are still selling CD’s out of their cars. Why isn’t Drake on here? He’s not new, but technically, maybe he is? Or is it because he doesn’t have videos and hoes? I guess Mixtapes don’t make it in. They should. Where is Janelle Monae? Or was she new last year? I have too many questions. My vote is for M.I.A. (who also, isn’t new). I like Kid Cudi, but I’m not on his jock yet.

Video of the year: Beyonce and then some other people.

Bey is nominated twice. If I Were A Boy (who sat through that whole thing?) and Single Ladies. It doesn’t matter who else is nominated because the Gay Male Illuminati will not allow Bey to lose for Single Ladies. Done.

Best Actor: Common, Idris Elba, Jamal Woolard, Will Smith, Samuel L. Jackson

I had to look closely at who the heck Jamal Woolard was. I didn’t see Notorious. Sorry. I’m a Will Smith Stan…. he better win. Too bad I won’t be watching to know.

Best Actress: Angela Bassett, Taraji P. Henson, Beyonce, Jennifer Hudson, Rosario Dawson.

Angela & Beyonce please sit down. First off Taraji should win hands down. This chick was up for an OSCAR! People finally know her name and will stop calling her “I hate you Jodi”. I’m both mad/happy she’s even in this thing. Mad because a BET award is like winning an old dusty TV from a random raffle. You don’t mind having the TV, but you don’t need it, and it’ll go in that room that no one uses. Happy because BET was smart enough to recognize her awesomeness. Rosario is great too, but Seven Pounds does not = Benjamin Button. Sorry, sit down. Jennifer Hudson, I’m not exactly sure what movie this is for. Love you, sit down.

That’s about it. These are my randomly rude thoughts and I’m sorry if you feel like I offended your musical tastes. If you would like to be put on to what I feel is real music, please hit me up. I love to share and expose underrated artists!

Feel free to comment here or over Twitter/FB.

Officially killing the word "Swagger"

Please stop. We get it. 2008 brought us the word Swagger almost as if there was previously no other word to describe someone who carried themselves with any kind of demeanor that demands respect. Well, I have news folks. There are plenty. Please read:

swagger-death

While I don’t condone T-Pain making the remix and calling it “Panache” like us, nor do I wish to hear young wannabe hipsters parading the streets “Fanfaronade Surfing”. I’m just sayin. Can we PLEASE retire the word Swagger. Not to mention that it is grossly over abused.

I’mma keep it real with you all today.

This is not swagger:

kanye-crew

And I LOVE me some Kanye *music*. But this isn’t swagger. This is random as hell. Fashion forward? Not so much. Stylish. Sure. This is his style. But please, stop stamping swagger immediately on every form of self-expression.

Now this is swag:

0808_OBAMA Cover

I hate to be the biggest Obama Stan all the time, but I just can’t help it. This man is smooth. But even still, I will retire my usage of the word swagger and say instead that he is DEBONAIRE! Look it up.

So can we finally hang the Swagger jersey from the rafters and call it quits? Can we please stop the youtube videos doing any and everything with “Swag”? No more swag surfing, swag stealing, swagger jackin, swagger leaning, swag humping, whatever! At least until I come up with my own Swag Something to post on Youtube and get a record deal off of.

Ya dig?

What else can we retire?

-Sin