True Life: Will & Grace, I'm straight, he's gay.

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Check out Men Sleeping With Men Part I HERE

So the last time we discussed this we talked about the idea of Men who sleep with Men but aren’t gay. The overall consensus was that this is in fact just an attempt for men to try to justify being down low or avoid the actual terms of Gay/Bisexual. However, since writing that and really doing my own research I don’t particularly agree with that. I know that’s a hard pill for many to swallow (myself included), but I do believe that men and women can separate sex from their sexuality. I’m not sure if I put that the right way. Perhaps that’s another post for another day.

This post is different though. It’s a bit cheeky and not so serious, yet something to think about.

It seems that actual gay/bisexual men are not hurting for women still! They are getting married! To women! Women who know! In our previous discussion most women said that they wouldn’t even continue to date a man who admitted to previously having slept with men. So what’s up with these women? Why would a woman marry a man who is admittedly gay and likes men? Here’s an excerpt of what one woman says about being a “Beard”.  She’s a reader of NecoleBitchie.com and had this to say:

I began talking to a guy in ATL (go figure) who is in a high power position and has worked close with some of the top dogs in the industry. He is gorgeous and real down to earth. Upon talking to him more and falling for him, we shared some erotic conversations & phone foreplay – it was then that I learned/felt he has some down-low ways in him. Naw, f*ck that, he was gay lol. One would think conversation would have stopped but I kind of felt for him, I was probably the first person in forever who he could completely be himself with.

She goes on to talk about how she pretty much fell for him, and while she did not actually continue that relationship with him, she could have seen herself doing it.  Additionally, Dwight Eubanks from the Real Housewives of ATL is  married!! He’s pretty openly gay & fabulous so *kanye shrug* I don’t get it. Maybe his Fiance is hoping to get a lifetime hook up on a good weave. I suppose she’s in it for the companionship.

I don’t think I could ever feel sorry for a man enough to be with him despite him not actually liking women. I can’t imagine that a Gay man would actually want sympathy over a partner that is equally loving and attentive as he is. I know that there are situations in which Gay men that have yet to make public their sexuality are able to muster arousal enough to have sex with a woman, and perhaps they are still straddling the fence.  However can they happily do this every single night? Hey…no jokes about how straight married couples don’t have sex every night. I will not believe it, I will not!

I know that the commonly held belief is that most Black Women will have slept with at least one man who has had relations with another man in his past, but this is considering that I don’t actually know it. So ladies, could you do it!? Could you date/MARRY a man who is openly (at least with you) gay or bisexual? Are there any Gay or Bisexual men out there who can see this situation working out for you? It is really worth it? Will you and the woman (or you and the man) be miserable later down the line because you pretty much just have a BFF and not a real husband or wife. I mean it could be nice depending on what you want in your marriage. Going back to the Will & Grace reference, I think those two (in TVLand of course) could have actually been happily married.  Yet at the same time,  I just feel like no matter what, denying what you really are and fighting it is never good in the end. Someone will crack. What if you have kids? Do you explain the situation truthfully to the children or do you simply lie to them to avoid confusion when your situation goes against societal norms?

I know this post was mainly about women dating gay men, but would it be different for a man to date or marry a gay woman? Sure stereotypically men go around talking about loving to see two women together and Kanye “would do anything for a blonde dyke” (apparently), but the reality is that most men I talk to would not seriously date a Lesbian. Reason being? She doesn’t like men. The men I know, not the boys, are truly not harnessing some strong desire to try to “switch” a woman.

So what say the people?

Catching Feelings…

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I’m sure everyone has been in that situation in which you and another are just kicking it as friends (with or without benefits) and you think that all is well as is. Well I’m pretty positive that this happens often as numerous people have been chatting with me about this and I’ve actually experienced it myself. You guys clearly have a lot in common or else the time spent would be miserable, but you both claim that a relationship is just not what you want at that point. Either you have both admitted this to be the case or the conversation has never been directly had but it has been implied by the fact that the two of you are simply platonic friends. Like Jeezy said, “It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood. All’s well that ends well…Birds are chirping, dogs are barking. It’s beautiful!”

I would say that about 80% of the time it does not stay that way. What happens next? Someone catches feelings.

(make sure you push stop, or else you’ll be feeling all depressed as it keeps looping)

You know how that conversation goes:
Them: So I’ve been thinking…
You: *being a bit naive, but starting to get worried* Oh yea*? About what?
Them: Well…..we need to talk.
You: *light bulb goes off. Great. Just great.* We talk all the time. What’s up?
Them: Where is this going?
You: *pretending to be naive* What do you mean?
Them: Hmmm *deep in thought* I’m just saying. You know I like you, and I feel like you like me…..*after this point you no longer hear a word they say*

After this revelation typically the friendship is now strained. Everything was going so well and now the utopia that y’all had built up is ruined! You thought it was understood that this wasn’t going anywhere! It just *was*. You can’t go back to just hanging out now because there’s this cloud of expectation hanging over your head. If you were sexing that’s completely out of the question now because they might slip and say “I love you” and THEN what would you do? The friendship is now ruined.

But can you save it?

Perhaps. Maybe it’s not a bad thing. Perhaps truthfully you actually did like that person too but you just didn’t have the manjangles to broach the topic first. The whole process of dating is all about nerves and overcoming them. Comfortableness and trust. Or on the other hand, you truly did not wish to take the relationship any further but you’re a smart and reasonable person and you are able to diffuse the situation honestly and carefully enough that your strong friendship is able to make it through unscathed. If this happens then you are truly awesome and chances are in a few months it will be you that’s head over heels in love with that person while they have moved on. Such is life.

I’m curious though. These days where women are freaking out about being single for life (especially if you are Black) and men are not trying to get married anytime soon, but are constantly talking about wanting that certain “wifey”, shouldn’t you want to be with a friend? If meeting a girl in the club is out, and women can’t stand to be “holla’d” at, what’s the most sure-fire way to find your mate? I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T. women these days don’t want to be approached or offered a gentleman’s hand and the post-Plies generation of men only want Becky and nothing else, so what really gives? It would seem to me that if you found a friend of the opposite sex that you are comfortable with, enjoy spending time with, and are attracted to, then why not? I think far too often we are too caught up and concerned with the colors of the grass and their shades of green (another post for another time). As quickly as we move through information these days when it comes to relationships we rarely live in the “right now”. He or She is perfect “right now” but you don’t see tht because you’re too concerned with “maybe later”.

So readers, what do you think? If in a friendship feelings start to develop should that person swallow them or try to approach the topic? Is it worth the risk?

*shrugs* I’m not really sure. I try to always say what I mean. If I say I’m not interested in a relationship then I’ll stand by that. When it changes I’ll let that be known by keeping it real. I know that women are notorious for agreeing to “non-committed relationships” in the hopes of turning the tide, but that is just the okee doke setup for sure!

So my opinion would be to keep it real. Not just with the “Friend” but with yourself as well.

Guest Post: You're all that I need

**** Recently I put out a call to all my bloggers to give me some good stuff about the great sides to being in a relationship and they all showed up! I’m so very excited! If you want to write something, hit me up and we’ll get you on here! Today’s blog comes from a dear efriend of mine Jamaal who is married and from what I can tell loving it! He and his wive recently had a BEAUTIFUL baby girl and I am wishing them the best! You can check out his wonderful musings at his own blog Soul of a Champion.****

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Most people have love songs written by great artists like Luther Vandross, Anita Baker and the like that could describe how they feel about their significant other. Me, I’ve got Method Man. Now, I know that some people might be like WTF Method Man got to do with how you love your wife?

Let me explain.

Back in 1995, Method Man and Mary J. Blige came out with a remake to a song called “Your All I Need.” The beat and chorus were sampled from Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell who originally released the song back in 1968. In the first verse of the song Meth opens up with:

“Shorty I’m there for you anytime you need me
For real girl, it’s me in your world, believe me
Nuttin make a man feel better than a woman
Queen with a crown that be down for whatever
There are few things that’s forever, my lady
We can make war or make babies
Back when I was nothin
You made a brother feel like he was somethin
That’s why I’m with you to this day boo no frontin
Even when the skies were gray
You would rub me on my back and say “Baby it’ll be okay”
Now that’s real to a brother like me baby
Never ever give my cootie away and keep it tight aight
And I’ma walk these dogs so we can live
In a fat ass crib with thousands of kids
Word life you don’t need a ring to be my wife
Just be there for me and I’ma make sure we
Be livin in the effin lap of luxury
I’m realizing that you didn’t have to fuck wit me
But you did, now I’m going all out kid
And I got mad love to give, you my nigga”

In my opinion, this shit right here could have been my wedding vows (if the preacher, and all of our family hadn’t traveled to get there). The reason being, Method Man came genuine and in all honestly, a translation of this into plain English could be one of the best love letters ever written.

Take note.

Baby,

Whenever you need me I promise to be there. I’m only a fly on the wall in the world of your wonderful existence. There’s nothing that equates to the feeling that I have when I’m with you. You’re the Queen to my crown and still down for whatever. In life, there are few things that are forever. Sometimes it seems that the two societal extremes we have are that we can either argue all the time or have a bunch of kids. But, I love you because when I was nothing, you supported me; and for that I’ve remained loyal til this day.  Even when things weren’t looking too good, you’d rub me on my back and say “Baby, it’ll be ok.” To me that’s what separates the genuineness in you from the weakheartedness of others. You’ve remained loyal to me and continually provided me with good love. So, from here on out, I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure you have all that you desire. Even though we’ve been together for 6 years (married 5), I’d be with you faithful still because you’ve supported me so much; even if we had never gotten married.  And if you continue to support me, I’ll make sure we’ll have all the riches and luxuries we’ve dreamed of and spent so many nights talking about. When I asked you to be with me, I realize you were about to graduate college and move to Chicago, thank you for taking a chance on me. And because you did, I’m going to give this all I’ve got because I love you with all my heart.

You my nigga,
Jamaal

In my opinion, that’s the good side of a relationship. We hear a lot about “Why Men Cheat,” Why Women Cheat,” “Why Are Men Dogs?,” “Why he always wanna do it from the back? Don’t he wanna look at me?”etc. But we hardly ever hear about a love that’s endearing, rewarding, and healthy. Luckily, my relationship with my wife is all of those things. The translated letter above is honestly how I feel. My wife was with me when I lived in a dorm. She stood by me in the early years of our marriage when we maybe had $20 left over at the end of the month. She was with me when we signed the closing papers on our house and she was also there when we purchased our second car. She has been with me through struggles, tragedies, and triumphs. We’ve got goals to accomplish and milestones to achieve together.

Because she’s been so supportive of me, I’ve made her dreams my dreams. Over the years I’ve wanted her successes sometimes more than my own. Everyday aint rosy, trust me, but with us I don’t think there’s ever a day the sun doesnt shine.

Jamaal

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The Tahiry Effect: Women and their tricks

Most of my blog topics stem from conversations or requests. This one is no different. As am I often found doing, yesterday I was having a conversation with a friend on the complexities of relationships. I was talking about the newest phenomenon in cosmetic procedures: hydrogel injections, affectionately known as Butt Shots. My friend was utterly disgusted, confused, befuddled, and angered. All at the same time. I explained to him that these injections give women with little to no derriere (no Dereon or Beyonce for that matter) the Tahiry effect. I don’t know if she’s fake, but I’m just going to say that these extreme dimensions are pretty rare. And I’ve seen some coke bottles.

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Now while there are plenty of women that naturally have bodies that people like me admire and most men of melanin desire, there are far more women who fail at this. It’s quite alright. Just like other stereotypcs about our people and our men, it is not always true that black women have big ole juicy apple bottom bootys. My friend then went on a mini-rant about how it’s not fair that women are constantly tricking men (in this case, it don’t matter if YOU got it).  He argued that it’s not right to make a man fall in love with your backside and it aint even yours. I’ve heard this argument plenty of times from many men. Some men hate weaves, even well-done weaves, breast implants, liposuction, spanx, injections, acrylic nails, and even make-up.  They hate the idea that they will meet a beautiful woman and she will wash away in the shower. I totally understand, that’s not a very nice thought.

My initial argument with him was that it could be a reaction to the imagery that men like to idolize. Women tend to care a little bit more about looks and tend to be a bit hard on themselves. When we’re with our man-friend and we catch his eye wandering to the girl that walks by with a booty that is beating like an african drum, a small piece of us inside looks back at our own mamase mamasah moomakusa (RIP MJ) and feels a bit dejected. While we’re rocking the sexy Halle Berrrrrrrrraye circa 1991 Strictly Business thinking we’re fly, yet our man is constantly oogling the girls on TV with the indian hawaiian silky down their backs, we begin to seriously consider that sew-in. Now I’m not saying it’s always to this extreme. A bit of it is because sometimes we let insecurities creep in and I’m not going to sit here and pretend that not even really strong black women don’t fall to insecurities. We’re human and it happens. But just like men go out and buy the cars and the bling to make women sing, women go out and do the things they believe will attract men. If we aint got it, we can buy it.

Take a look at this. She’s a pretty decent chick originally, but what this magazine did to her took her to anoher level. Men fall in love with photoshopped girl and this becomes their version of how a woman should look. This becomes what he’s out looking for, and “normal” women just don’t stack up. When in reality, this version doesn’t even really exist.

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He then challenged me that there is someone for everyone. Just like there are men who prefer long hair, there are men that love a girl with the ‘fro. Additionally, he said that men falling in love has more to do with timing and less to do with the dime that just walked by that he has just got to have. He said, it doesn’t make sense for a woman to go to all of these lengths to look a certain way beause she feels like that’s what some man wants, because it really won’t be the deciding factor for him as to if he wants to be with her or not. If he’s ready, he’s ready, if he’s not, he’s not. Getting your flapjacks filled with hydrogel won’t speed the process. Of course he added, at the end of the day it’s always best to just be yourself. Agreed.

I then countered that perhaps the whole thing was shallow on both ends. Men fall in love too quickly with the way a girl looks, so fast it becomes all they care about. If she’s an awesome person deep inside (out the gutter please) then who cares if her looks wash away. Perhaps she wasn’t trying to trick you, but she just loves the process of dressing up, putting on make-up, and getting her nails done. Or maybe whether you like it or not, she just loves the way her face looks with makeup on. Perhaps she loves doing different things with her hair and so she enjoys getting weaves just to try out random styles. She may not even need it.

Now let me say that I do not fully support cosmetic enhancements because I am one to believe that you should be happy the way God made you. At the same time it’s like, do what makes you happy. I’m sure if Tahiry’s assets are in fact a figment of our imaginations and she didn’t get it from her mama, it was still a healthy investment. She’s getting hers. It trips me out though because this is becoming a widespread phenomenon. I’ve heard of Butt Shot parties where women line up and a woman with a syringe comes by and makes their dreams of being the newest member of the Twerk Team a possibilty.

It’s crazy out there. What do you Random Readers out there think? Are you cool if a woman has had some enhancements to give her the body of your dreams? Women, would you or have you had some work done? How do you feel about it?

Signed,

Original Packaging

A Woman and Her Friends

Men are always commenting on how women are catty to one another and unable to get along. When you look at it in it’s simplest form through a man’s eyes, there is some truth to it. However, as a female that has Sorority sisters that I love but few female friends outside of that, I started to really think and analyze in my own way, the dynamics of female friendships.

In true Random fashion, let me start by saying that it’s not as if women are completely incapable of having female friends. If that were the case, shows like The Golden Girls (R.I.P Bea & Estelle *tear*), Sex & The City, and Girlfriends wouldn’t have had an audience. These relationships do exist and I’ll explore that further shortly. However, I do believe that the major reason these shows captivate their female audiences is more out of desire. We long and desire to have close tight knit cliques like the ones we see on T.V. Unfortunately, this is real life we’re talking about and Hollywood is in the hills.

So here it is. The 411 as I see it. Women are highly intelligent beings. We are analytical, intuitive, and pay very close attention to everything. We are emotional and driven by our feelings, and  our sixth sense is the ability to sniff out someone with bad character. That sixth sense is automatically shut down when in love however. When you put all of that together you have a SuperHuman of sorts. That’s what we ladies truly are. However, these skills can be used for evil as well, and when that happens, crazy things are bound to erupt.

I believe it starts during Childhood. When little boys don’t like each other they fight physically. Sometimes they go turn around and become best friends. Of course boys pick on each other too, but a lot of it is geared towards physical aggression, which don’t get me wrong, is extremely harmful still. With little girls it is mostly mental. Name-calling, tauting, spreading rumors and lies, and public humiliation. Think about the movie Carrie.

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In high school it’s the same thing only magnified as now the cliques are forming and are important to the high school social structure. I have a thought that we women clique up for the camaraderie yes, but also for the protection. See by this point we ladies are starting to figure out how we operate. We’re getting involved in relationships and starting to see our emotions getting out of control. Knowing how unstable we can be, we don’t put it past our female friends to be the same way. So naturally we are cautious.

Just like in a relationship with a man, we are quite the same in our friendships with women. It takes a lot for us to give in to completely trusting the other person. We have to take down our walls, we have to be vulnerable. If this is all betrayed we are just as hurt only probably about 10x moreso. As women are a bit more emotional and dramatic when it comes to expression and our feelings, fights between two women can seem like World War III. It likely is. When a man hurts his girlfriend it’s usually a simple act on his part. He cheated, he just left, he did something stupid yet simple. With a woman, she may have told a deep dark secret of ours, she may have been the one he cheated with, she may have stolen from us, or she may have been M.I.A. when we needed her the most.

It’s true, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned because when a woman is hell bent on causing pain and destruction, it’s like nothing you’ve ever seen. So basically, women have a harder time forging these bonds because just like we’re careful with our hearts when it comes to men, we’re the same way with women. The difference is that we will put it on the line for a man because we seek him as a life-long companion. With female friendships we don’t see those as a necessity. I was talking to some lesbian friends of mine and they said that relationships with women are far more complicated than with a man. The emotions are doubled, the details are far more extreme, and breaking up is beyond hard to do. This is just one opinion, so I can’t back that up with scientific fact.

As a sorority girl, I think it’s good that we are taught to view each other as Sisters. We’re family and so we fight like sisters do and we kiss and make up like sisters do. If we were simply “friends” sororities would have never made it this far. Don’t get me wrong, I see plenty of females who have their “girl group” that’s been together since middle school, but these relationships take extreme dedication and vulnerability. I have girlfriends from high school that I love and adore and they will be with me for life, but I can’t say that we’ve always been like peas in a pod.

So men, it’s not that women are just rude and don’t want to be friends because we want to steal each other’s boyfriends. It’s more that we love hard no matter the extent of the relationship and we’re far more protective of our hearts and emotions. Granted it often manifests itself in cattiness and “bitchery” but really it’s just a way for us to weed each other out for those real girlfriends that we can start the next major television sitcom with.

I'm not tryna save that boy

So a few friends of mine over my Google Group were having a discussion about fixer uppers. The conversation was centered around whether or not men date fixer uppers. The common consensus was that women are far more willing to date a man they can “Fix up”. The logic behind this was that women are always looking for a chance to change a man. Also women see it as a challenge to do what no woman has ever done before. Conversely, the question was posed “Do men date fixer uppers?” The response was a bit all over the place. Mainly that men don’t mind dating a girl who could use some fixing, but the difference is they like her just how she is. Men are a big more “I want what I see, and what’s in front of me” as opposed to wanting some future re-vamped version. That’s too much like work.

So this made me think. Why are women always trying to fix men? Additionally why are women always trying to save someone? A man meets a woman fresh out of heartache and he’s cautious and quickly puts her in the “Bone Only” category. A woman meets a man fresh out of heartache and now she wants to save him, pack up all of his baggage for him, ship it to some foreign land, and mend his broken heart. What is THAT about?

Sometimes I feel like our competitive drive gets the best of us. We’re so quick to rush things and jump head first into something, ANYTHING, that we will look past almost every caution sign on the way. I’m not saying that every person who has experienced 808’s & Heartbreak is a fragile pile of mushy tears, but I am saying that perhaps it’s not the best time to push your agenda.

All I’m saying is go for what you want. Not for what you want to mold into a strange version of your own personal Ken Doll. I would hate to be with someone that was no longer THEM but more a rebellious version of what I’ve dreamed up. Men aren’t always the quickest in regards to relationships, but they certainly know when to leave well enough alone. They are good for keeping it simple. Sometimes too simple, but that’s besides the point. We ladies love to over-complicate things and make mountains out of molehills.

Perhaps though, it is a woman’s nurturing nature that leads us to do it. We meet a great guy, he’s carrying a ton of baggage, but we don’t let that get in the way of who we think he really is deep down. Perhaps we aren’t trying to change him as much as get below the baggage. Ahhhh. Something to think about.

So I have some questions: Ladies, have you tried to change a man? What and why? Why not just leave for the one who doesn’t require it? Men, do you date fixer uppers? Have you tried to change a woman?